“The First Duty
of Love is to Listen”
“The first duty of love is to listen.”
The neo-orthodox theologian, Paul Tillich, offered this profound
thought. It reminds us of foundation of
fluent, effective, respectful and loving communication. Many disagreements which mature into harmful
arguments originate in miscommunication.
The failure to listen mainly causes poor communication and its natural
consequence of weakened relationships.
Anger and frustration are by-products of feeling unheard. One usually responds with hardening one’s
positions and justifying one’s feelings.
Such a stance inevitably puts one at odds with an equally passionate and
resolved person. As spouses, parents,
siblings, colleagues, friends, genuinely listening to another person’s feelings
and thoughts is one of the greatest acts of love that we can give.
Social and behavioral scientists inform us that eighty-five percent
(85%) of communication is non-verbal.
Actions do indeed speak more loudly than words. We men what we do more so than what we say. As a parent, I realize that consistency and
discipline are the most significant means of communicating my directives,
desires and principles to my children.
My words possess little value in comparison with my actions. When I follow through with the potential
consequences of violating my orders or ignoring my instructions, I receive
immediate obedience from my children when issuing similar instructions. Essentially, my children listen with their
eyes as well as with their ears.
Loving by listening necessitates that we take the time to learn what is
meaningful to others by observing their habits and use of time and
talents. I recall a story in which a
wife repeatedly asked her husband to make it home for dinner with the
family. Her treasured memories of family
meals made this important to her; she wanted the same enriching experience for
her children that she enjoyed by having her parents’ attention during that hour
of the day. Her continual requests fell
on deaf ears as her husband worked late at the office and expected to be served
his meal upon his arrival at home. His
wife gave one final verbal request with detailing the consequences were he to
be late again. On the following evening,
he once more demonstrated that he had not heard his wife’s heartfelt desire as
he arrived after the children had been sent to bed. He further found all of the pots, pans and
food had been put away. He had to
retrieve all of these items; serve his food; warm it in the microwave and set
his place setting. Facing these consequences enabled this man to listen with
his eyes so that he finally heard his wife’s words. From that night forward, he arrived on time
for dinner with his family. He
ultimately heard how important this family tradition was to his wife.
Listening as an act of love requires us to strive to better understand
other people. To grasp a different or
opposite opinion often necessitates listening with the heart. We deliberately intend to suspend our
reservations and sympathize with the opposing position. We put ourselves in that person’s shoes and
try to imagine the issue from his or her vantage point. Are their assumptions, experiences and
predispositions that contribute to your spouse’s feelings, thoughts and
positions? Would taking the time to
consider these better enable you to understand him or her? Listening with the heart evokes the words of
the Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi
Clarification of words, feelings, intentions and actions usually
resolves most miscommunication. This
lengthy and difficult process pays tremendous relational dividends. My wife and I find it helpful to inquire
periodically of each other whether we are meaning to be the way that we are
experiencing each other. “I’m
experiencing you as adversarial, angry, impatient or sarcastic. Are you meaning to be this way?” In response, “No, I mean the following.” Many people laugh when we share this
communication ritual with them. However,
for fifteen years in which we have spoken every day regardless of where we were
in the world, we have found this mechanism effective in preventing useless
arguments and brewing harmful resentments.
It is a very practical means with which to practice the first duty of
love which is to listen.
As he begins a prayer for the church at Ephesus in the first chapter of
his letter, the apostle Paul asks Almighty God to open the eyes of their hearts
to enlighten them to God’s will. He
concludes the prayer at the end of the third chapter by petitioning God to show
the Ephesians the height and depth and the breath and width of God’s love in
Christ. This immeasurable, sacrificial
and enduring love is a divine gift offered to us in marriage, family, and
friendships. It unfolds and appreciates
from the spiritual practice of genuinely listening to those persons whom we
love. This duty of love means we
understand our loved one listening to them with the eyes and ears of the mind
and heart.
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