Loving Difficult People:
Love Transcends
Character Defects and Personal Incapacities
The previous phrase is my response to a clergy colleague who
called to express his enduring frustrations about a mutual friend who has a
heart of gold but is one of the most difficult persons with whom to
collaborate. Recently, the first
colleague called to vent his anger about our mutual friend’s perpetual delays
in coordinating a meeting date for a working session on a forthcoming
presentation. Each time my colleague in
Denver suggested a date, the one in Boston offered an alternative which he
repeatedly and subsequently rescheduled.
As the time for the conference approached, my Denver colleague actually
offered to fly to Boston to meet with our friend to ensure they would be
prepared to present. Not surprisingly,
the Boston colleague could not find time for a face-to-face meeting. Shockingly, the Boston colleague called the
one in Denver and left a terse voicemail about the necessity of appreciating
other people’s time and efforts. With
regard to the written portion of the presentation, both men were to draft a
segment and mutually edit them. The
Boston colleague failed to write even a word; but he severely edited the Denver
colleague’s manuscript and demanded he delete central sections of his
presentation. After his anger
dissipated, the Denver colleague asked me how I had worked successfully with
the Boston colleague for the seven years I spent under his tutelage. “As I got to know him, I realize he has a
heart of gold. He is one of the most
generous persons I know. In times of
deep distress, he is a congregant’s pastor par
excellence. During my most difficult
personal and pastoral days, he has been a friend indeed. I am to overlook his character defects and
personal incapacities because I know he is one of the most genuinely loving and
caring people despite his difficulties.”
Living with the difficulties of a very hurtful and
challenging upbringing inclusive of abandonment, neglect and indifference, my
Boston colleagues exhibits a rough and tough exterior which functions as his
citadel of protection. The cumulative
psycho-emotional and psycho-relational pain of his formative, childhood,
adolescent and young adult years compelled him to build a “Great Wall” to
prevent any further harm. His circle of
intimate friends is very tight and close.
In addition to his wife, he limits it to a college contemporary and
seminary classmate. His gruff public persona petrified as he observed similar
traits of an influential male in his upbringing. His defense mechanisms, isolationist
tendencies, proclivity to withdraw and easy lapse into depression in response
to personal and professional rejection veil the heart of gold that lives
exuberantly within him. A prototype of
Henri Nouwen’s “Wounded Healer,” my Boston colleague transforms his pain into
emotional, spiritual and psychological assets of empathy, generosity and
willingness to aid anyone in need. His
empathy and authentic consideration of others enables people who actually get
to know him to overlook the unvarnished aspects of his character.
My Denver colleague persisted with stating his frustrations
about our mutual friend and colleague.
The Boston colleague did not arrange a formal meeting nor did he
complete his portion of the writing. Yet,
he staunchly criticized the Denver colleague’s writing and outline. The Denver colleague could not understand our
Boston colleague’s failure to submit his written portion or contribute to the
presentation. From my experience with this
fellow, I posited his psyche could not permit him to write anything and subject
it to collegial scrutiny. He is not lazy
or obtuse. His insecurities could not absorb
hard criticisms regardless of how respectful anyone offers them. At this emotional and psychological stage of
his life, he is unable constitutionally to digest any constructive
feedback. As circumstances would unfold,
our Boston colleague eventually called our Denver colleague to apologize for his
shortcomings and incidental lack of professionalism. He admitted his incapacities and asked for
relational forbearance.
After processing the apology, my Denver colleague asked how
does the children of our Boston colleague handle being loved by someone whose
love flows from such a hard and hurtful space?
I posited that his children are capable of seeing his heart of gold and
looking beyond his character defect and incapacities. Actually, I became self-reflective as I
considered the question. My children
could easily indict me for the hard and difficult way in which I love
them. Whereas they appreciate the myriad
tasks I complete for them, the money and other loving kindnesses, my son and my
daughter probably would prefer I be less exacting, demanding and
perfectionist. Could I be less extreme
in demanding that their rooms are clean and spotless? Do I need to correct their grammar each time
they misspeak? Do they have to endure
lectures contrasting my impoverished childhood with their middle class
upbringing? Must I emphasis academics so
fiercely? Are the exhortations about the actualization of their talents and
natural endowments necessary? In fact, a
spiritual director once told me that it must be hard for the recipients of my
love. Though they appreciate my labors
of love, the intensity of my personality partially repels them. As I humbly desire my wife and children
overlook the shadow of my character, the past painful experiences that
perpetually inhibit the emergence of my best self, I understand the dilemma of
my Boston clergy colleague who suffers equally with this challenge. To a large extent, he knows people appreciate
him and his love but sincerely wish it evolves with less intensity and
hardship. Because he has a heart of
gold, people who really know him choose favorably to look beyond the broken
vessel which holds his love.
The apostle Paul reminds the Corinthian Christians that God
embodies our ministries in “earthen vessels,” literally jars of clay and
dirt. Therefore it is evident that the
miraculous wonders of the gospel and kingdom of God emerge from the Heavenly
Father and not from any human talent or ability. Equally, genuine and unconditional love
emerges from human hearts circumcised with Christ’s redemptive, selfless and
sacrificial love. However, daily and
practical expressions of Christ love by human beings will be as imperfect as we
are. Although our love expressions many
not be perfect, our intentions very well may be. Realizing this complexity and irony, we love
difficult people by transcending their character defects and incapacities with
our reciprocal love and enduring gratitude.
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