Communication - The Foundation of Any Good Relationship

Communication – 

The Foundation of Any Good Relationship

Communication is the foundation of any good relationship.  Whether it is a marriage, business associates, parents and children or fellow church members, clear, consistent and civil communication is necessary for success and growth in these interactions.  Contrary to popular belief, most marriages do not end because of a combination of financial difficulties, differences in parenting styles, infidelity and the lack of intimacy (sexual, emotional, and romantic).  The beginning of the end of a marriage or any relationship is breakdown in communication.  As we begin a New Year, I encourage you to invest time, patience and emotional energy in cultivating, improving and practicing good communication in all areas of your life.

Good communication is more than incessantly conversing about any number of matters.  Saying words does not mean you are effectively communicating with someone.  It merely means you and these other people are pronouncing words in each other’s hearing.  The give and take of speaking, listening, clarifying, repeating, reflecting, pausing and summarizing are essential to good communication.  Willingly, you listen as much as you speak.  Arguably, good listening is the first step in good communication.  Secondly, the clearer the words the better the conversation will be.  Sometimes, our intentions and meanings are lost in the shuffle of our choice of words.  Say what you mean as simply as possible and mean what you say. 

Additionally, focus, attention and patience are equally significant to facilitating good communication.  Because eighty-five percent (85%) of communication is non-verbal, it is important you demonstrate attentiveness within a conversation.  Distractions of answering cell phones, looking at computer screens, glancing at the television, scribbling on paper and sending a text message reflect your lack of interest in talking.  You will recall the incident in which former President George H. W. Bush looked at his watch in the midst of one of 1992 presidential debates with then Governor Bill Clinton and Ross Perot.  That impulsive action conveyed to the country that he was disinterested in the significant policy discussions facing the nation.  That episode symbolized his inability to communicate effectively with the country about the recession and other major challenges.  Good communication requires one’s undivided attention.  Our posture and behavior must reflect our focus as well as our words.

Good faith is also significant to producing fruitful dialogue.  If we come to the table with ulterior motives, we are not going to communicate honesty and integrity in our dealing with others.  If all we want is our way and we are not open to a different perspective, then we will soon reach a roadblock with others.  All parties in a conversation must be willing and open to listen and learn from each other.  In addition, if we ascribe negative and false motives to our conversation partners, then we will accomplish very little in talking with them.  We can resist the temptation to make assumptions for others.  Let them speak for themselves.  Challenge them to state clearly and concisely what they mean just as you will.  Come to the table in good faith with the expectation that you will be heard even as you listen with the hope of clearly resolving an issue.

The use of rhetorical and repetitive questions often supports good communication.  “If I am hearing you correctly, then you are saying x.”  “Are you meaning to be sarcastic because that is how I am experiencing you?”  “Would you repeat in your words what I just said so that I may know you heard me?”  Those and similar devices can assist us in removing impediments to good communication.

Good communication additionally extends well beyond any verbal conversation.  “Actions speak louder than words.”  “A person’s word is his or her bond.”  Following through on what you said is as important as anything you say.  Otherwise, you will be known as a person who talks a good game but does not follow through.  More negatively, people will say they cannot trust you to keep you word.  In short, you lack integrity.

Matthew 18:15-20 exhorts all disciples to settle any “disputes” they may have with brothers and sisters in the church.  In fact, if you are making an offering and realize you have resentment toward someone, then you are to refrain from completing the offering until you have resolved any “miscommunication” or dilemma.  In most instances, it is former and not the latter.  Nevertheless, I hope that you will start the New Year with the goal of fostering good communication.

Resilience - Rebounding From Failure

Resilience

Resilience is the best response to failure. Losing easily tempts you to believe it is safer not to try. If you do not reach for your goals, then you do not experience any disappointment or failure. Yet, as the late Dr. Benjamin Elijah Mays, President of Morehouse College, said, “There is no shame in trying and failing. Shame is for those who do not even try in the first place.” Even more regrettable is unwillingness to try again after you fail. Practically speaking, determining to rebound from failure equals resilience, which eventually yields success. 

Some of our major historical heroes possessed tremendous resilient qualities. The unparalleled experiment of American democracy as institutionalized in the U.S. Constitution may have completely failed during the Civil War. But the resilience of Abraham Lincoln led to his presidency, inimitable leadership and eventual restoration of the union of states.  Malcolm X’s resolve to actualize his God given talents and natural endowments contributed greatly to the Black Power Movement and his teachings on the “decolonization of the Black mind.” The countless graduates of Tuskegee University in Alabama partially owe their education to the willpower of Booker T. Washington whose perseverance produced that fine institution. Despite being sandbagged at the 1964 and 1968 Democratic Party national conventions, the endurance of Fannie Lou Hamer and her cohorts yielded political progress for Blacks in Mississippi. In short, had these persons lacked resilience, they would have remained anonymous and would not have contributed significantly to human progress. 

Successfully rebounding from failure requires a few practical steps. First, straightforwardly embrace and live through your feelings of hurt and disappointment. One author declares, “Pain is the touchstone of all spiritual progress.” Admittedly, rejection and loss are difficult to accept, particularly when you offer your very best effort.  Still, those difficult feelings are critical to learning from failure.  Second, Norman Vincent Peale suggests resisting the temptation to panic and allow fear to paralyze you. FEAR (forget about everything and run) presides over the funeral of your dreams and goals. Eradicating fear and its negative mindset is a central step toward resilience. Third, prayer and meditation reveal better approaches and strategies. Divine inspiration teaches us how to “work smart and not hard” as we pursue our ambitions. Further, it empowers us with faith, hope, love and self-acceptance. Fourth, willingly ask a few difficult questions, “What can I learn from this experience?” “Did I really try my best and give my utmost?” “Did I deserve to fail given my efforts?” “How can I be more strategic and efficient?” In essence, a postmortem on failure provides insight that ultimately produces success, if we appropriately apply any lessons we glean. 

There is an additional and very important component to resilience. As you licks your wounds, accepts your disappointments and picks yourself up to fight anew, daily affirmations of positive and hopeful thoughts encourage and empower you toward victory. This practice of imagining one’s self triumphing over challenges and difficulties propels your success. As you affirm the positive, you eliminate negativity. I suggest you develop a mantra.  Each day, I affirm “I cannot fail because there is no failure in God.” Daily affirmation fuels resilience. 

Successful people find spiritual wherewithal to rebound from failure.  Trusting in the God and believing in themselves, they cultivate resilience and perseverance despite any adversarial circumstances or insurmountable odds. Practically speaking, they learn from their mistakes. Daily, they affirm their faith in God and act upon their belief in themselves. Simply stated, they understand resilience as the best response to failure.

The Value of Making Resolutions

The Value of Making Resolutions

New Year’s resolutions are simply useless.  As we progress in this year and expect greater achievement of our dreams and goals, I implore you to forsake the meaningless ritual of nurturing resolutions.  Most of such promises to others and ourselves are discarded by the last day of January.  How is the diet going?  Are you still rising early and making it to the gym by the crack of dawn?  Have you lost any weight?  Do you have a working draft of your long-awaited book, song, poem, screenplay, script or some other creative piece of work?

Rather, I suggest and encourage you to develop the practice of setting periodic goals for personal and spiritual growth.  The timing of these objectives may or may not coincide with the ending and beginning of another year.  If so, what a pleasant harmony!  If not, the reality remains we face daily challenges of striving to become better people.  A perennial and fruitless ritual of deceiving ourselves that our egos will somehow submit to the necessity of embracing the pain of change and growth will not further our progress.

Self-evaluation is the foundation of personal development and spiritual growth.  We must be willing to look honestly and clearly at our characters.  Strengthening our assets and eliminating or neutralizing our liabilities are the purposes of this daily examination.  It is the major test of life.  Our egos deceive us into believing everything is fine and that we need not take this appraisal of our disposition.  It is important to consider our performance in school and at work.  How do we relate to people?  Do we possess integrity of principles and practice?  What small bad habits have mushroomed into serious character flaws that undermine our words and deeds?  Do we need supplemental help (counseling, analysis, hospitalization, vacation, retreat, classes, group work, twelve step program, etc.) to correct these deficiencies?  The results of a forthright and thorough self-examination usually yield a complete list of goals for emotional, psychological, and spiritual progress.

The writings of the late Norman Vincent Peale suggest we lift our goals to the light of God’s countenance.  God’s brightness exposes any residual ego that cloaks our intentions.  Do we desire growth so we can better become the vessels of God’s love and instruments of His peace?  I fear we desire personal improvement more than personal development.  In the former instance, we seek additional bragging rights by temporarily improving upon our shortcomings.  Instead, we eliminate our character deficits.  A comprehensive change enables us to mature into the image of Almighty God.

Each day, I hope you withdraw from life’s hustle and bustle to assess any potential areas for personal growth.  I doubt you will have any difficulty in naming five areas.  Additionally, I seriously hesitate to believe any of these areas will be new.  Honestly, we know our definitive character defects.  We are very aware of these raggedly parts of our characters.  As it relates to marriage, parenthood, extended family, work, church and community service, we know exactly where we underperform.  As a consequence, prayer, meditation and solitude afford an opportunity to evaluate our inadequacies and devise a holistic plan to grow.

Our fundamental resolve at New Year’s is another chance to dedicate ourselves to lifelong personal growth and spiritual progress.  If we rebuff the necessity of character development, then we obtain it through pain and adversity.  Interestingly, unfortunate circumstances often compel us to examine ourselves.  Termination, divorce, death, accidents, illness, or some other crisis substantially motivate us.  We possess capacity to define areas for advancement and work toward them.  We learn from the experiences of others; thereby sparing ourselves the agony of periodic trips through the valley of the shadow of death, defeat and despair.

Finally, in order for change to be enduring and effective, it must be holistic.  Practically speaking, growth addresses all components of our being: heart (love), mind (intelligence), soul (God’s spirit), spirit (imagination), psyche (character), and will (determination).  Shortcuts will stifle and weaken our labors toward progress.  Otherwise, we spin our wheels in previously mentioned fallacies of redundant and worthless resolutions.  Holistic change and growth is the surest path to finding the riches of love, joy and peace.

Reflections of Nehemiah 4

            As you proceed toward a new project, you may find the fourth chapter of Nehemiah instructive.  At a “What the Bible is All About?” class I taught on Sunday mornings a few years ago, the class and I thoroughly discussed the parallel of rebuilding of the wall in Jerusalem and our daily challenges.  We gleaned several significant lessons that we apply to our personal lives.

            In the opening verses of the chapter (Nehemiah 4:1-3), Sanballat and Tobiah emerge as fierce opponents to rebuilding the wall.  Using an enduring strategy of fighting, they strongly discourage the Jews.  In fact, Sanballat and Tobiah insult and humiliate the Jews.  They label the Jews as “feeble” and question their ability to accomplish any task.  Sanballat and Tobiah hurled a major mental assault by saying “if even a fox climbed up on it, he would break down their wall of stones!”  Had the Jews internalized this negativity, they would have defeated themselves.  Self-doubt with its accompanying fear is actually one of our most ferocious enemies.  The enemies of the Jews sought to continue their exile by further colonizing their minds. 

            The Jews responded to these insults with prayer (Nehemiah 4:4-6).  They asked God to reverse this verbal abuse.  After praying, the Jews went back to work.  Combining spirituality and practicality works best in warfare.  Whereas we must pray, we must also follow through on any revelation and wisdom that God graciously gives during times of prayer.  Prayer empowers us to fulfill any requests we ask of God.  Prayer time is not a period of magic.  As a consequence of prayer when the people went to work, they did so “with all their heart.”  When we approach any task with spiritual empowerment and personal determination, we will achieve success.

            In Nehemiah 4:9, the Jews additionally demonstrate the usefulness of spiritual pragmatism.  Again, they prayed but they also posted an armed guard to counteract the physical threat of their opposition.  Their equivalency of the M.P., military police, watched day and night to meet any enemies.  As we consult God for guidance in facing personal challenges, we follow the example of these Jews.  We pray without ceasing.  Also, we daily discipline ourselves to act on any wisdom we receive.  Whether our enemy manifests itself in finances, alcohol and chemical abuse, marital situations, loneliness, anger or any number of other dilemmas, we conquer these Goliaths through our routine practice of spiritual disciplines.  Summarily, interweaving spirituality and practicality positions us for triumph.

            Interestingly, self-doubt and fear arise in Nehemiah 4:10-12.  The Jews question whether the task is insurmountable.  “There is so much rubble that we cannot rebuild the wall.”  With that mindset, defeat does not require enemies.  We possess the requisite talents, gifts and resources to accomplish any task.  The real question is whether we are willing and have faith to work until victory is accomplished.  Faith and willingness materialize from prayer.  As we positively approach God, He infuses us with power to complete His work. (Ephesians 3:14-21)

            Under Nehemiah’s leadership, the Jews return to the effective combination of faith and common sense.  In 4:13-18, Nehemiah stations people to work and rebuild.  He also arms them.  The workers rebuild with one hand and are prepared to fight with the other hand.  This illustration instructs us to combine two of the major areas of our lives.  Spiritual armor equips us to fight in the daily battle of life.  We can do both!  The tools of prayer, meditation, Bible study, and daily quiet time sharpen the individual gifts, talents and resources that we possess.

           

           

            

"The Bigness of Small Things"

“The Bigness of Small Things”

“Are you engaged in the bigness of small things?”   There are instances in which we spend inordinate time and energy on things that are of absolutely no consequence.  We engage a lot of meaningless battles.  Our emotions rise to frenzy and we utilize considerable resources that could be better spent on more substantial matters.  Quite frankly, focusing upon small things naturally flows from small-mindedness. 

Clarity about priorities prevents this dilemma.  We begin with defining worthwhile objectives and purposes for our marriages, families, churches, jobs, and communities.  What is the purpose of all of our activity?  What motivates our commitment and service?  What are our aims?  How do we determine our progress toward achieving our goals?  Stephen Covey, in his best-selling book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, recommends we write a mission statement.  Then, we evaluate and determine the use of our time, finances, talents and abilities through the prism of our personal mission statement.

A merry-go-round symbolizes our daily routines.  The force of the circular motion propels itself.  Similarly, the melodrama of embracing meaningless causes fuels itself.  Is there really a “right” way to wash the dishes after dinner?  Is there a certain angle from which the plants must be watered?  On the job, is it really helpful to compare your commitment to that of your colleagues?  Should the success of a project rest upon a color scheme or verb tense?  In our church communities, should we derail the ministry of the Lord because someone failed to consult with us?  Trivial projects are the motion of a merry-go-round.  The dizziness they cause inhibits our ability to see more worthwhile tasks that actually warrant our attention.

Periodically, it helps to withdraw from the hustle and bustle of life.  In the quietness of solitude, we reflect upon our lives.  Are we living the life we imagined in our youth?  Henry David Thoreau encourages us, “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.  Live the life that you have imagined.”  Accordingly, we should consult our “dream file.”  Perhaps, there are dusty goals that need redefining.  We subsequently recommit to pursuing them.  Thereby, we break the monotonous cycle of life.

As we meditate, we additionally consider the eternal, spiritual and financial significance of daily activities.  Will any changes possess enduring benefits to others or us?  One of my former bosses arrived on the job with “a new sheriff in town” mindset.  She quickly rearranged anything and everything in our unit’s operation.  When the dust settled a few months later, we realized she essentially had no vision for our department.  Her changes solidified her power and made her comfortable.  Essentially, they were meaningless changes.  Moreover, they were costly given the additional resources she requested in salary, personnel, office space and other amenities.  But, they were not enduring changes, which furthered the goals of the unit.  In fact, the performance declined consistently and considerably the entire time she ran the unit.

Writing for a very popular business magazine, a chief executive officer of a Fortune 500 company offered six recommendations for allocating time and energy for this year instead of articulating and pursuing meaningless New Year’s resolutions.  He suggests you prioritize your marriage and family as they comprise the most meaningful relationships you have in life.  Second, he considers meditation as important to maximizing your time and abilities; a visual roadmap is necessary before embarking upon a project.  Learning to listen and listening to learn are his third recommendation; listening assures people you value them and their contributions.  Fourth, listening establishes mutually respectful relationships out of which productivity and effectiveness emerge.  Instead of completing meaningless paperwork, your time may be better spent investing in collegial relationships.  Fifth, he articulates the importance of unlearning techniques which are not working.  “If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten.”  That recommendation implies humility and patience.  His sixth and final suggestion is the necessity of maintaining a reading discipline to further the other ideas.

As I accept and implement his recommendations, I ask you again “Are you engaged in the bigness of small things?”

Visit with a Death Row Inmate – 

A Lesson on Teaching God’s Love

(Originally, I wrote this essay as a weekly installment of The Pastor’s Pen, a column in the newsletter of a local church in Nashville, TN where I served as Senior Pastor from October 2000 to May 2008)

On Thursday, November 8^th, I had the experience of a lifetime.  I visited Abu Ali, a death row inmate whose execution is imminent.  Recently, the U.S. Supreme Court summarily refused to hear his appeal of his death sentence.  The Tennessee State Supreme Court soon will set a date of execution.  Although another appeal has been made with the U.S. Sixth Circuit Court of Appeals in Cincinnati, it appears Ali has exhausted all of the appeals, which the system offers.  Excluding an unforeseeable stay of execution, court ruling or a commutation of his sentence by the Governor of Tennessee, Abu Ali will be put to death by the State shortly after the New Year begins.  However, our conversation of an hour and a half, including a colleague of mine, challenged me to more seriously consider the meaning and worth of life.  Having spent fourteen years on death row, Abu greatly desires the inherent worth and dignity of his life on earth and his gifts as a spiritual being are not blankly dismissed.

An unflinching and misguided loyalty significantly contributed to Abu’s death sentence.  He acknowledges his presence at the murder of a drug dealer and the assault on the drug dealer’s wife.  Abu participated in this crime because of his unrelenting belief that children and youth should be protected from violence, physical and systemic.  Because Abu considers drug dealing an assault on future generations of our children, he went to scare this drug dealer.  Unbeknownst to him, his counterpart turned violent and began stabbing the drug dealer and then attacked the wife.  Abu, realizing that children were present, immediately moved to protect them and ensure they would not be harmed. 

Suffering from PTS, posttraumatic stress syndrome, Abu blocked out the entire episode.  When subsequently questioned by police detectives, Abu was virtually unable to recall any details.  Thus, he could not adequately exercise his civil and legal rights.  However, his counterpart fled the state; when captured, this man immediately made a deal with the cops and prosecution by naming Abu Ali as the main perpetrator of the crime.  Whereas Abu could have named his counterpart and made a deal, Abu’s sense of loyalty would not let him do so.  Abu now realizes just how misdirected his loyalty was and has been throughout his life.

In addition to an unwavering commitment to children and youth and his virtue of loyalty, Abu deeply values his relationship with God.  He says, had he been taught the love of God and its universal application to all people, he would not have ended up on death row.  Abu’s childhood was simply horrible.  A MP (military police), Abu’s father disciplined him with a bully club and other torture tactics.  Abu would be locked in closets for hours without light, food or water.  Those despicable acts culminated in the posttraumatic stress syndrome that ultimately undermined Abu’s ability to assist his attorneys in the preparation of an adequate defense.  Yet, Abu insists all that horror and its ensuing consequences could have been nullified by God’s love.  Fortunately, Abu has found the love of God.  He shares it with his fellow inmates.  He firmly believes God’s love makes the ultimate difference in determining one’s fate in life.  It can arrest the emergence of a potential felon.  Also, it fundamentally rehabilitates hardened criminals into productive and contributing members of society.

Visit with a Death row Inmate - A Lesson on Teaching God's Love Part II

Visit with a Death Row Inmate – A Lesson on Teaching God’s Love Part II

(Originally, I wrote this essay as a weekly installment of The Pastor’s Pen, a column in the newsletter of a local church in Nashville, TN where I served as Senior Pastor from October 2000 to May 2008)

The truth is equally important to Abu.  I asked him if his sentence were commuted to life imprisonment by the Governor would he consider that a just resolution.  He said no because he has been imprisoned under false pretenses, without adequate legal representation and with prosecutorial misconduct.  Moreover, Abu’s counterpart and those who financed the Southeastern Gospel Ministry, organized to eradicate drug dealing in the Black community, have never disclosed all of the facts relating to the crime.  Abu was promised funds for legal representation, which never materialized.  Those whom he trusted and to whom he was detrimentally loyal have never visited him nor spoken on his behalf.  They appear content to allow Abu to be put to death unjustly.  Essentially, Abu seeks a full disclosure of all of the personal, psychological, religious, racial and legal circumstances relevant to his incarceration and impending death.  His vehemence about the necessity of the truth is most admirable.

Abu talked at length about the need to heal the whole person.  He experiences this healing daily and strives to share it with others.  Abu is a model prisoner having educated himself and obtained the respect of the guards as well as the inmates.  My colleague asked Abu how would one effectively reach the young men on the streets and the incarcerated ones who could be rehabilitated.  Abu responded by listing all of the components of a person’s character: mind, family, sociology, psychology, spirituality and emotions.  More significantly, he said just listening is extremely important.  One must hear a person’s story in order to help him.  He told us if committed chaplains came with the intent of hearing a man’s story and what he wants, then they would be able to infuse him with some of what he needs.  Abu’s thoughts on the whole person resemble Jesus’ approach in preaching, teaching and healing.  Discipleship development and evangelism must seek to make a person whole and not merely convert him to a way of thinking nor enroll him within an organization.

Ironically, although I sat on death row and talked with a man’s whose death looms in the background, our conversation centered upon the essence of life.  Abu wants everyone to know his uniqueness as a child of God and his spiritual contributions to humanity as he journeys on earth.  He does not want the state to rob him of this divine significance.  He desires for all of humankind to recognize our interconnectedness in the universal love of God.  Passionately, he hopes that young Black men and children can be saved from a life of crime.  If he were ever to gain physical freedom, Abu wants a family with a house and the chance to work with troubled youth. 

Even though his loyalty was not reciprocated, Abu does not regret that characteristic within his personality.  He merely wishes those to whom he was loyal would have been more appreciative.  As long as life continues, Abu will fight for the truth.  He wants the truth of his situation to be revealed.  In addition, he wants society to recognize the truth of it systemic violence on women and children.  In essence, Abu Ali integrates all of his experiences, the knowledge he has gained and his growing spirituality into wholistic life as a child of God.  Summarily, this death row conversation reaffirmed the importance of spiritual matters in life: the love of God in Christ, love of family, inner healing, service to humankind and wholistic growth as a disciple of the Lord.