Finding a New Normal

“You must create a ‘new normal.’”  Those were the words of one participant on a victim’s right panel.  This woman’s brother had been murdered inexplicably several years ago.  The crime remains unsolved.  Her father’s grief over his son led to the father’s premature death seven months after the son’s murder.  Although the sister remains vigilant in assisting the police to solve the homicide of her brother, the case is now in the “cold cases” file.  To ensure that her brother’s legacy would be more than just an unfortunate statistic, the sister has organized a walk-a-thon for families and victims of crime.  The ninth annual event will occur soon.  Organizing the walk-a-thon was one of the major steps that she took to create “a new normal” as she journeys forward in life without her brother.

This woman’s phrase and recommendation demonstrates the necessity of spiritual resilience in response to life’s most difficult challenges.  Her experience was a particularly trying one, the incomprehensible murder of her brother.  For other people, bereavement, termination, divorce, cancer and any number of tribulations can have the same affect upon their personal well-being.  Those tests resemble an earthquake of the psyche.  The sudden and formidable circumstances beyond your control bewilder you.  Flabbergasted, you do not know how to move on with life.  You do not “get over” these difficult situations.  Yet, you must “get through” them.  A genuine reliance upon the faithfulness of Almighty God and an enduring spiritual foundation produce personal resilience to transcend these dilemmas.

After experiencing any of the foregoing scenarios, one finds it hard to simply function.  Time blurs; days of the week blend into each other.  Extraordinary energy is necessary to complete the routine tasks of hygiene, getting to work, paying bills, eating, exercising, and meeting normal obligations.  Yet, monotony can restore some semblance of sanity to an unpredictable life that seems to spiral out of control.

As I write, I recall having had one of the previous experiences.  I became extremely depressed.  Each morning, I began the day with intense lethargy.  In response, I utilized the immortal saying of living “one day at a time.”  I began to rise each morning with the goal of designing the day.  I took pen and paper.  I drew a column down the middle of the page.  On the left side, I wrote four things that I had to do that day.  On the right side, I wrote four things that I would like to do that day.  Then, I chose two things from each column.  The items on the columns were not monumental.  Taking a shower and getting dress were written always on the left column.  Eating a good meal and reading the newspaper were some of the activities that were written on the right column.  I tried not to put arbitrary and unnecessary expectations upon myself.  I also prevented other people at work, in my family and within my circle of friends from doing the same.  After a month of this daily centering ritual, I regained a sense of emotional and personal equilibrium.

Finding a “new normal” is a matter of faith in the goodness of God.  Additionally, it is a refusal to allow the circumstances to conquer us.  Practically speaking, faith is a matter of taking slow but steady steps in the right direction.  Acquiring a new normal is a process of partnering with God to redeem difficult experiences.  Rather than defeating us, our trials become the methods of personal and spiritual development.  The woman mentioned above absolutely refuses to allow her brother’s death to be a nihilistic event.  Through her work in a grief support group and her coordination of the memorial walk-a-thon, she makes her experience a catalyst for change and service to others.  Her “new normal” essentially became a life of ministry and service in celebration of her brother’s life.

Lastly, I offer a few other practical techniques in finding “a new normal.”  In addition to the daily spiritual disciplines of prayer, meditation, Bible study and personal devotion, one might find individual or group counseling helpful.  Often, a spiritual mentor who has had your experience can aid tremendously in regaining a sense of normalcy.  Writing your feelings in a journal helps us to clarify them.  The intensity lessens.  Basic personal care such as proper diet, adequate rest, routine exercise, faithful attendance at work and making personal contact with someone who cares, all, contribute greatly to finding meaning in a difficult situation.  A “new normal” is fundamentally reorientation of one’s life in which an individual refuses to live as a victim and seeks divine guidance in recapturing the meaning and joy of life.