Earning the Love of Others
You cannot earn the love of others. Attempting to redeem unrequited love is one of life’s most painful experiences. People love you or they do not. Usually, there is no middle ground. Accordingly, you cannot make them love you through gifts, money, flattery, kind deeds and obsequious behavior. Being true to self and letting the chips fall where they may are the best practical approaches to living in honest, loving, nurturing and mutually beneficial relationships with people. Whereas you cannot earn the love of others, you can demand their respect by living with integrity.
Again, unrequited love is one of the harshest realities of life. Everyone experiences it. We respond to unrequited love with a redoubled effort to prove to the objects of our affections that we in turn deserve their time, attention, care and love. Also, we will bear no expense of time, effort and financial resources to substantiate our claims of lovability. We wholeheartedly demonstrate the evidence of our willingness to subordinate our wishes and desires to theirs. In time, we hope they will be converted and learn to love us for the great, giving and wonderful people we are. Sadly, each attempt to earn the love of another person further demeans us. It compounds our initial hurt and disappointment.
Self-acceptance is the most appropriate response to unrequited love. Frankly, we could never do enough to earn the love of others. Manipulating someone to win his or her love hardly satisfies the pursuer. As the human object of his desires fails to actualize his idealistic expectations of romance, he increases the burden upon his heart. Therefore, realizing he is intrinsically loveable remains the surest means of extricating himself from anguish.
As unique children of God, we all are inherently worthy of admiration, support and friendship of people with spiritual capacity to see God’s character within us. We desire people who accept us as we are. People who truly love us assist us in becoming the best children of God that we are capable. This progression of self-love to relational love begins with self-acceptance.
The dilemma of unrequited love surfaces in our extended families in addition to personal relationships. If we fall prey to low self-esteem, we are prime targets of our relatives to coerce us into working for their love. If we fail to appease them, they withhold their love and support. Children oftentimes develop two distinct personalities in an effort to win over their parents, siblings and friends. We do favors for aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews, hoping to become the “favorite” relative. Interestingly, the “favorite” child and grandchild are often irresponsible and selfish. The extended family loves them because they are physically attractive, humorous or need extreme emotional support. The “favorite” rarely earns anything. With our nuclear and extended families of origin, we received respect by living an honest and principled life.
The work place is the other major venue where we engage the destructive behavior of “people pleasing.” Colleagues utilize the power of emotions to exploit us. Because they “like” us, they believe we should share the burden of their work, pick up their slack and fight for raises. These demands emerge from people who do the least and want the most. “People pleasing,” leaves us at our desks at 7:00 p.m. after everyone else has gone home. This low self-esteem also sends us in the office on weekends while others enjoy games, holidays, and sun with their families. As with personal and familial relationships, we cannot earn the love of colleagues.
A significant milestone of personal development and spiritual growth is self-acceptance. Discarding the tendency to work for the affection and admiration of others is a prerequisite. Trying to nullify unrequited love is a dead end game. It is impossible. Why would we want love from someone whose care and support are always dependent upon our last action? Love flows from the heart as water flows from a fountain. It is natural and intrinsic. Once it begins, loves own force propels its continuation.
No comments:
Post a Comment