Authenticity
An
Antidote to Relational and Personal Pain
What is the best method
of preventing betrayal and other forms of personal pain that emerge from broken
and unhealthy relationships? In a word,
it is Authenticity. When we share our
genuine feelings and honest thoughts with people, we considerably decrease the
possibility of deceit, manipulation, swindling and betrayal. If we simply state our intentions and desires
with integrity and allow other people, particularly family and friends, to respond
accordingly, then we rarely feel as if someone took advantage of us.
Chances are you can
recall multiple instances of extending yourself through the gifts of your time,
talents, treasure and temperament to help someone in need only to receive a
thankless or hurtful response.
Ironically, as a clergyperson and pastor, I encounter myriad people from
very diverse walks of life who assume I should be always ready to help
them. Erroneously, they presume someone
in my profession must be willing to help anyone and everyone in need regardless
of the expense. An articulated need in
my hearing should receive a direct and immediate response. Acquiescing this naïve view of my calling in
my earlier years, I succumbed to “people pleasing” and went above and beyond
the call of duty to satisfy the emotional, mental, psychological, financial and
spiritual needs of congregants and community residents. My family indirectly suffered as a result of
lengthy counseling sessions, trips to the hospital in the early morning hours,
postponed family outings because of work and other inconveniences as it relates
to our standard of living and quality of life.
Ironically, in a very personal and professional time of need, the people
whom I had helped the most said and did absolutely nothing. At a congregational meeting in which my
character was called into question, not one member of a large family in the
church to whom I had given consistent pastoral services stood and offered a
word in my defense! Nevertheless, I have
a sneaky suspicion and very funny feeling I am not alone. Assuredly, you can relate to my detriment as
you have given your heart and soul to family and friends whose indifference
simply trampled upon your graciousness and generosity.
An old adage offering
wisdom about lending money to relatives and friends recommends “Don’t lend it
unless you can do without it.” This
straightforward principle of good financial stewardship stipulates denying a
request for a loan regardless of the depth and breadth of the need if you need
the money and will expect repayment. If
you are able with impunity to lend the money because you will be fine even if
it is not repaid, then you lend it without expecting repayment. Should you surprisingly receive repayment,
then you rejoice over your unexpected surplus.
Practically, this maxim eliminates the concept of a loan or debt which
adversely affects relationships. No one
really likes the idea of being in someone else’s debt. Essentially, you forego the concept of a loan
and elect to give a gift as you value your relationship as being greater than
any amount of money. This monetary
principle seeks appreciation in relationship rather than funds.
Authenticity emerges
from applying the foregoing principle in our daily affairs particularly with
family, friends and colleagues. When we
extend ourselves to help other people, we do so proactively choosing to offer
our help for selfless reasons without expecting anything in return even the
simple words, “Thank you.” If you choose
to help someone, you do so believing it is the right thing to do and because
you can without unduly harming yourself.
Quite frankly, you may help someone because you feel like helping them;
the converse is equally appropriate, if you do not care to inconvenience yourself
then the most helpful thing you can do is honestly tell them to find someone
else. Certainly, you recall the hissing
sounds of frustration of someone who agrees to help you even he or she really
does not care to do so. It is as if they
perpetually punish you throughout the favor.
Regrettably, they are unable to state honestly their inability and
unwillingness to help. Their
authenticity means more than a half-hearted favor.
