Authenticity - An Antidote to Relational and Personal Pain

Authenticity 

An Antidote to Relational and Personal Pain

What is the best method of preventing betrayal and other forms of personal pain that emerge from broken and unhealthy relationships?  In a word, it is Authenticity.  When we share our genuine feelings and honest thoughts with people, we considerably decrease the possibility of deceit, manipulation, swindling and betrayal.  If we simply state our intentions and desires with integrity and allow other people, particularly family and friends, to respond accordingly, then we rarely feel as if someone took advantage of us.

Chances are you can recall multiple instances of extending yourself through the gifts of your time, talents, treasure and temperament to help someone in need only to receive a thankless or hurtful response.  Ironically, as a clergyperson and pastor, I encounter myriad people from very diverse walks of life who assume I should be always ready to help them.  Erroneously, they presume someone in my profession must be willing to help anyone and everyone in need regardless of the expense.  An articulated need in my hearing should receive a direct and immediate response.  Acquiescing this naïve view of my calling in my earlier years, I succumbed to “people pleasing” and went above and beyond the call of duty to satisfy the emotional, mental, psychological, financial and spiritual needs of congregants and community residents.  My family indirectly suffered as a result of lengthy counseling sessions, trips to the hospital in the early morning hours, postponed family outings because of work and other inconveniences as it relates to our standard of living and quality of life.  Ironically, in a very personal and professional time of need, the people whom I had helped the most said and did absolutely nothing.  At a congregational meeting in which my character was called into question, not one member of a large family in the church to whom I had given consistent pastoral services stood and offered a word in my defense!  Nevertheless, I have a sneaky suspicion and very funny feeling I am not alone.  Assuredly, you can relate to my detriment as you have given your heart and soul to family and friends whose indifference simply trampled upon your graciousness and generosity.

An old adage offering wisdom about lending money to relatives and friends recommends “Don’t lend it unless you can do without it.”  This straightforward principle of good financial stewardship stipulates denying a request for a loan regardless of the depth and breadth of the need if you need the money and will expect repayment.  If you are able with impunity to lend the money because you will be fine even if it is not repaid, then you lend it without expecting repayment.  Should you surprisingly receive repayment, then you rejoice over your unexpected surplus.  Practically, this maxim eliminates the concept of a loan or debt which adversely affects relationships.  No one really likes the idea of being in someone else’s debt.  Essentially, you forego the concept of a loan and elect to give a gift as you value your relationship as being greater than any amount of money.  This monetary principle seeks appreciation in relationship rather than funds. 

Authenticity emerges from applying the foregoing principle in our daily affairs particularly with family, friends and colleagues.  When we extend ourselves to help other people, we do so proactively choosing to offer our help for selfless reasons without expecting anything in return even the simple words, “Thank you.”  If you choose to help someone, you do so believing it is the right thing to do and because you can without unduly harming yourself.  Quite frankly, you may help someone because you feel like helping them; the converse is equally appropriate, if you do not care to inconvenience yourself then the most helpful thing you can do is honestly tell them to find someone else.  Certainly, you recall the hissing sounds of frustration of someone who agrees to help you even he or she really does not care to do so.  It is as if they perpetually punish you throughout the favor.  Regrettably, they are unable to state honestly their inability and unwillingness to help.  Their authenticity means more than a half-hearted favor.