Guilt and Regret

Guilt and regret are two of the most useless emotions.  Yet, we perpetually imprison ourselves to those feelings.  Like the protagonist, Heather, in Nathaniel Hawthorne’s The Scarlet Letter, we walk around with either a “G” or “R” emblazoned upon our foreheads.  We have convinced ourselves that something that we have done cannot be forgiven.  Somehow, our mistakes become unpardonable sins.  In fact, we live as mental and psychological fugitives who escaped punishment.  We have a foreboding anticipation of an eventual indictment, trial, conviction and sentencing for our “crimes.”  Meanwhile, God freely forgives and liberates us to learn from our mistakes.  In so doing, we become better people.  Rather than nursing guilt and regret, we dissolve it by confronting our pasts.  Apologies, changes in thinking and behavior and restitution among other actions are the keys to resolving guilt and regret.

Guilt lingers because we fail to admit honestly what we have done.  Usually, we rationalize our choices and behavior.  We easily insist that we were in fact the “victims” of circumstances.  Had the situation produced a different set of conditions, then we would have made a better personal, professional, moral and ethical choice.  In order to eliminate guilt and regret, we must straightforwardly assess our characters.  What liabilities do we possess that made us behave in a certain way?  Were we aware of our disposition to use and hurt people for personal gain?  What about our continual unwillingness to grapple with our character defects?  Nonetheless, a refusal to evaluate our minds and hearts sows the seeds of a lifetime of guilt and regret.

Given the fact that we cannot reverse what we have done, it is essentially meaningless to assure ourselves that we would have chosen otherwise had we known all of the facts.  What is done is in fact done!  We cannot change it!  However, we can learn from our mistakes.  That does not mean that we recite “mea culpa” ad infinitum. Instead, we transform our regret to some worthwhile purpose to develop personally and grow spiritually.  Perhaps, our regret will become the catalyst for a change in our character and the impetus to repair broken relationships.  Regret can also become the agency for healing human pain and suffering.  The late British Prime Minister Alfred Profumo channeled his regret relating to his moral failures into a distinguished period of service in social work after resigning from political life.  Whereas he could not negate the scandals, he learned from his shortcomings and served the people whom he loved in another way.  Stewing in his juices for the balance of his life would have been completely worthless.

The false belief that we have committed a unique mistake supplies fertile ground for the growth of guilt and regret.  “Don’t take yourself too seriously.”  Indeed, we are unique as it relates to talents, gifts and natural endowments.  But, we are not when it comes to errors, crimes and bad choices.  Whatever you have done, you are not distinguished.  Someone else did it before you and someone will do it again.  So, you need to get over it!  There is indeed nothing new under the sun as the author of Ecclesiastes insists.  Moreover, the fallacious notion that our mistakes are singular perpetuates our guilt and the belief that we cannot be forgiven.

Freedom from guilt and regret requires hard work.  It cannot be simply obtained by simplistic prayers and half-hearted apologies.  We have to travel the dusty road of genuine acceptance of our behavior and the damage that it has done.  We must willingly acknowledge the harm that we have done to others.  We ask for their forgiveness even if they withhold it.  We dignify their feelings by hearing from them how we hurt them and trample upon their personhood.  Then, we apologize through actions more so than words.  In a financial matter, restitution is the surest act of contrition.  If you have squandered someone’s money or failed to repay a loan, saying you are sorry ultimately means little.  Until you settle that debt, guilt and regret will imprison you to that person and incident. 

Additionally, the process of confronting our behavior and those persons whom we harmed frees us from guilt and regret.  As long as we harbor our personal reflections, we will remain ignorant of some details that only an honest conversation could reveal.  In most instances, we have not harmed people to the degree that we have imagined.  Unless we voluntarily engage the difficult task of taking responsibility for our actions, we will not resolve our useless guilt and regret.  A face-to-face dialogue is the most reliable method.  Letters, generally, are not effective.  They are another escape mechanism, which indirectly lets the author of the letter off the hook.  Unfortunately, letters further exacerbate the situation because the recipient is left having to interpret the words and meaning of the author.  Clarity emerges from a personal conversation in which nothing is misinterpreted or left unsaid.  Liberty from the residual guilt and fear of the past is the gift of those of us who will challenge our mistakes.