Expectations are Premeditated Resentments

Expectations are Premeditated Resentments

A friend of mine always says, “An expectation is a premeditated resentment.”  As I reflect upon her statement, I conclude she is absolutely correct.  We become very angry and resentful when people do not fulfill our expectations.  In fact, we utilize unfulfilled expectations as justification for righteous indignation.  Practically speaking, we act out and feel completely right in doing so. 

However, our unfulfilled expectations usually stem from the bad habit of believing that people should read our minds.  If they do so accurately, then they would know what we want, when we want it and the way in which we want it.  Should we find the wherewithal to tame our expectations, which are by and large unrealistic and impractical, then we can become more open minded.  That approach allows for people’s intentions, good or bad, their shortcomings, and unforeseen circumstances that prevent their best attempts to fulfill our most reasonable expectations.

There is an old saying, “If you want something done right, then you have to do it yourself.”  That nugget of wisdom serves as a great prism through which to evaluate our expectations.  If no one else can possibly accomplish a task with the care and specificity that we would, how could we reasonably expect someone else to do so?  A reasonable expectation flows from honest, open and straightforward communication.  Because we fail to inform others of the details, we should not resent their failure to fulfill our expectations.  If they do not know the particulars, how could they successfully achieve the task?  Nonetheless, we must assume a lion’s share of the responsibility upon discovering that our expectations remain unfulfilled.

Dealing with our expectations enables us to improve our work and familial relationships.  Defining reasonable expectations require the pleasant friction of fruitful dialogue.  As we bounce our expectations off on others, they assist us in obtaining a level of reasonableness.  Oftentimes, our personal standards of “reasonable” expectations are actually unrealistic and impractical.  The give and take of forthright conversations will correct those erroneous notions.  Assessing our expectations serves as a great method with which to improve communication.

Expectations additionally aid us in examining our values, priorities and stewardship.  Unrelenting expectations of others is probably a tremendous waste of time.  If we expect dinner on the table upon return home from a hard day of work, are we then justified in complaining about the type of meal?  If the laundry is done and folded, are we being reasonable in wanting it also to be put away?  If someone does the dishes and sweeps the floor, should we then point out a breadcrumb that we find near the sink?  Those examples translate into other scenarios at work and in our communities.  Nevertheless, analyzing our expectations helps us to examine the use of time, money, talents, and emotional and psychological resources.  Are we wasting precious possessions in pursuit of fulfilling unrealistic and worthless expectations? 

Resentments emerge from unfulfilled expectations.  They are also the chief ammunition for destroying good relationships.  Resentments lead to distrust, questioning the character and motives of others and an overall judgmental attitude toward people.  When we condemn people for failing to fulfill our expectations, we then accuse them of laziness, recalcitrance and deception.  We convince ourselves that they never had the intention of “coming through for us.”  Prideful, we determine the worth of their character and work ethic.  These powerful resentments eventually destroy our relationships.  Why would we continue to converse with someone whom we have written off? 

Impractical expectations and their concomitant resentments can only be tamed by cultivating an open mind.  If things do not go as we would like, then responding in a versatile way is the most preferable response.  In addition, unfulfilled expectations afford us the opportunity to define what is really important.  I suspect that we give a lot of energy to matters that are not deserving of those resources.  We unfortunately harm significant relationships in response to our ire about unfulfilled expectations.  The seeds of resentment grow within our minds.  Then, we distance ourselves from people for really no reason.  Simply, we should discard any and all expectations that do not arise from clear, concise and consistent communication with those upon whom we place these expectations.  Always remember, “An expectation is a premeditated resentment.”