Is Forgiveness Really Possible? - The Conclusion

Is Forgiveness Really Possible? - The Conclusion

Throughout his ordeal, my colleague repeatedly shares the depth of his pain and disappointment.  He failed to see any warning signs.  He “staggered forward, rejoicing” in his “secure marriage.  He took pride in providing a lifestyle for his wife and children that exceeded the material possessions and creature comforts of his childhood formative years.  Most wives are ecstatic to receive the bounty of suburban, middle strata, bourgeois life fully furnished with a suitable house, large yard, appropriate cars and private school tuition.  Her gratitude would be most evident in her loyalty and consistent expression of thanksgiving.  However, she still is not impressed with his financial and material provision as they do not exceed the lifestyle of her family during childhood.  She chose my colleague because she knew he had the potential and inclination to offer a standard of living to which she was accustomed.  She expected him to offer the additional intangible riches of verbal affirmation and relational intimacy as evident in his time, single-minded attention, conversation and doting consideration of her needs and whims.  The realization that his love language proves insufficient to touch his wife’s heart and earn her devotion is the single most hurtful aspect of his ordeal. 

In addition to asking him whether he has a mustard seed’s faith and love to forgive, I additionally suggested to him that he consider the extent of his willingness to unlearn what he knew about love.  Like most people, his understanding of love was defined by the example he observed in his parents.  Practical provision of finances and material needs and fulfillment of marital and parental obligations was his father’s language of expressing love.  Uncritically, my colleague accepted his beloved father’s example as the correct method of demonstrating love.  Hugs, kisses, verbal affirmations and other spontaneous ways of showing someone your love were not in his father’s vocabulary and thus he did not include them in his.  His imminent divorce affords him an opportunity to expand his knowledge of love by learning other ways of loving his wife.  Will he cultivate the willingness and humility to learn how to love his wife in a manner that genuinely touches her heart?  Will he fulfill the grand ideals of The Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi seek to love her in a meaningful, redemptive and transformative way instead of demanding she reciprocate his faithful, sincere and hardworking love?  His willingness to unlearn and relearn will empower him to progress in forgiveness as he humbly acknowledges his previous failure to love in manner that she needed contributed significantly to causing the circumstances culminating in their imminent divorce.

Parenthetically, I recognize life’s mystery and inexplicability often coerce us to receive the advice we give to others.  In some form, I may need to employ the suggestions I gave to my colleague.  I have learned to be very cautious about waxing eloquent when helping others in resolving their problems.  Perhaps, counselors should glance constantly in a mirror as they give advice to patients.  Nevertheless, I shared with my colleague were I in his position, I honestly would search my heart for a smidgen of authentic love for my wife.  Upon finding it, I would with God’s grace and humility borne of my vivid recollections of my past mistakes strive earnestly toward genuine forgiveness.  Truly, I hope I am daily experiencing ego deflation and making fewer and fewer of my decisions solely within my natural mind and reasoning abilities.  As I greatly desire to mature spiritually, I hope I prioritize discerning, accepting and actualizing God’s will as it manifests within my internal intuition and intentions.  Accordingly, I trust I suggested to him what I would do as I can only offer my experience, strength and hope.

“The end is in the beginning.”  Ralph Ellison concludes his unparalleled fantastically novel, Invisible Man, about the protagonist’s experiential and existential discovery of his genuine uniqueness with those ironic words.  The nameless and invisible central character never concretely defines his raison d’être, reason for being, because he uncritically and persistently accepts the external definitions of himself.  Should my colleague rely firmly upon his rights and legitimate righteous indignation, he will forego an incredible opportunity to learn to love and forgive in an authentic Christian and spiritual way.  Should he persists in satiating his ego and verifying his correct behavior in contrast to the offenses and pain his wife had inflicted, he will lost the opportunity to exchange his mind, heart and character for that of the Lord Jesus Christ.  Whether he maximizes this spiritual growth and personal development depends primarily upon his answer to the fundamental question, “Is forgiveness possible?”