Is Forgiveness Really Possible?

Is Forgiveness Really Possible?

Is forgiveness really possible?  A clergy colleague of mine faces a longstanding, arduous and painful divorce proceeding.  Without any warning signs, his wife vociferously announced her desire for a divorce nearly three years ago.  He responded with a request for counseling and a joint effort of good faith to work toward reconciliation.  At the time, she would not hear any of her requests for repair of the breach of communication, trust, intimacy and friendship in their marriage.  Her pain motivated her to steadfastly seek its dissolution.  Moreover, her pain led to seek comfort in an extramarital affair and relationship which overlapped with her demands for a divorce.  Over the course of one thousand and one hundred days, my colleague faithfully and attentively rode the roller coaster which his wife built as they meandered between stressful jobs, holiday obligations, parental duties, extended family relationships and peaks and valleys of emotions within a provisional relationship in the same living space.  Counseling sessions unearthed a devastating and soul-wounding confession from his wife.  Their children’s birthdays compelled polite hypocrisy.  Nights became lonelier and lonelier as they could no longer justly share the same bed.  Still, in the deep recesses of his mind, he had to wrestle with his mental projections of her infidelities.  What did she do?  How did she do it?  Did she violate the most sacred trust of marital intimacy by sharing sexual exploits with another man that she refused to give generously and unconditionally to the man with whom she made a covenant before God, the Church, their families and closest friends?  Will he be able to obliterate such dastardly and spontaneous images even if they reconcile?  As they near the legal finalization of the requisite paperwork and completion of this grueling process of severing a relationship that consumed more than half of their adult lives, his wife asks for reconciliation!  Considering the foregoing details and many others of which I am not aware as only the man and the woman really know what has transpired over the years, the question remains, “Is forgiveness really possible?”

As my colleague and very good friend and I discussed his predicament, he asked me this question.  How could his wife willy-nilly ask to reconcile after precipitating the most hurtful period of his life second to the loss of his beloved father?  Can he believe anything she says?  He fails to see any signs of genuineness and humility.  Perhaps, the demise of her affair motivates her desire for reconciliation?  Can he forgive her when she persists proudly in denying her behavior and refusal to accept any responsibility for the pain she has caused to him and their family?  All of these questions are corollaries of the primary one, “Is forgiveness really possible?”

With a quarter of a century’s experience in pastoral ministry inclusive of the “disjointed incrementalism of growth” as a counselor, I know I am not to answer anyone’s critically emotional and existential questions.  Accepting the limitations of my prism of experience and incomplete knowledge of relevant facts and contributing factors, I facilitate an internal conversation between my colleague and his heart and psyche.  Practically, his question results in a question I ask him.  “Is there sufficient love in your heart to surmount and transcend any and all your wife’s offenses and enable your genuine forgiveness?”  Strongly, I encouraged him to forsake the temptation to respond from the space of his wounded and shattered ego!  Instead, I suggested he thoroughly and fearless search his innermost heart for even a mustard’s seed of love, faith and willingness to forgive.  As love is the basis for forgiveness, my colleague would have to find miniscule yet authentic love in his heart for his wife in order to answer the primary question affirmatively.  Steadfastly relying upon his carnal mind and cognitive abilities which are so easily seduced by the ego will yield ultimately an erroneous answer.  Arrogance inevitably veils the deep pain of his wounded pride.  Notwithstanding his justifiable righteous indignation and legitimate grounds to proceed toward severing the marriage to the contrary, an enduringly spiritual, just and valid decision could only emerge from his heart.  Relentlessly and irritatingly, I encouraged him to search his heart as if he were combing for lost gold in the bottom of the ocean to ascertain whether he still loves his wife and thus forgive her enroute to restoration of their marriage.

To obtain a clear, undiluted answer that is not tainted with the residue of other people’s experiences and opinions, my colleague and friend needs to withdraw and wrestle with his internal struggle.  His dilemma reminds me of Jacob’s all-night wrestling match with an angel.  Jacob declares, “I won’t let you go until you bless me.”  Jacob’s defiance causes the angel to wound him slightly from that night forward Jacob walks with a limp as the angel dislocated a part of one of Jacob’s legs.  Similarly, my friend will leave his retreat of isolation with indelible scars within his memory as he recalls any aspect of this ordeal.  Nevertheless, he needs to grapple honestly and doggedly with making this very difficult decision.  With the use of effective and meaningful spiritual disciplines, he will discern the will of God and the raw and brutally honest desires of his heart.  Practicing these spiritual principles will enable my colleague to hear the still, small voice of divine intuition and intelligence, arguably the most certain medium of ascertaining and verifying the Lord’s will.  Again, listening for this voice necessitates resistance of the opinions and thoughts of other regardless of how well intentioned they may be.  It further requires a person to discard the potent seduction of his ego.  Consistent with recommendations of the Psalter in the fifth psalm and the prayer practices of the Lord Jesus Christ (Mark 1:35), my colleagues must withdraw to a solitary and sacred space to listen intently to the voice of Almighty God as it rises within him.

Is Forgiveness Really Possible? - Part Two

Is Forgiveness Really Possible? - Part Two

Everett L. Worthington, author of To Forgive Is Human, posits forgiveness is genuinely transformative and redemptive.  Were my find to forgive his wife, his graciousness, pardon and compassion could motivate her to strive to eradicate the character defects that led to her affair and self-centered desire for a divorce to satiate her whims.  Were he to share his raw and unabashed pain with her rather than rely upon his righteous indignation, witnessing the colossal damage of her words and actions may result in a paradigm shift in her life.  She may respond by committing to a mission and purpose in life beyond satisfying her self-seeking motives and self-centered fears.  His love could change her life!  I suspect, were I to hear her account of the last three years, she has been starving for affection, intimacy, romance and understanding.  Perhaps, she feels ignored by her husband.  Possibly, she receives more compliments about her character and beauty from other men than she does her husband.  Conceivably, the extramarital affair occurred because the man however deceitfully gave her emotional attention and consideration she does not receive from her husband.  Feeling as if she were a person dying of thirst in the desert, she unwittingly took what she thought was the last drink available to save her life.  Most regrettably, the consequences of her choice are the most tragic years in her life.  Nonetheless, were my colleague to crucify his ego and emotions by straightforwardly sharing his pain with her, God would utilize his pain to transform his wife’s personality.

As a clergyperson, my colleague has an opportunity to actualize many of his sermons.  It is rather easy to wax eloquent about spiritual principles in the pulpit.  Practically, every pastor has preached about the amazing attributes of divine love especially as embodied in the life, crucifixion, death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ.  Pastors contrast the four Greek words for love.  Eros from which the English word, erotic, comes is brute, physical type of love essentially describing physical impulses culminating in sexual acts.  Phileo means brotherly and sisterly compassion; the wide use of “Brother” and “Sister” in church circles is an application of this type of social and relational love between disciples.  Storge equates with familial love and the obligations we believe parents, siblings and relatives owe to each other.  The supreme form of love, agape, is the word the evangelist utilizes to describe God’s gift of His Son, Jesus Christ, whose life is an atoning sacrifice and propitiation for the sin of humankind.  Agape redeems anyone whom it touches because it is selfless, sacrificial, salvific and transformative.  As God is love, He graciously and generously gives love without any expense or burden as He intrinsically shares Himself with humankind. 

According to John 3:16, the Heavenly Father willingly offers His Son as a love offering to save humankind.  God makes this sacrifice because He is love and only His love will redeem humankind as centuries of human history document the inability of the Law and Prophets to accomplish this divine purpose.  To save means practically to heal and restore to wholeness.  Agape bridges the chasm that occurred between God and humankind due to the infidelity and rebellion in the Garden of Eden and humankind’s subsequent and perpetual continuation of its offense against the holy character of Almighty God.  Further, agape causes a metamorphosis, a complete transformation of principles and purpose in the heart and mind, within anyone who encounters God’s unfailing and unconditional love.  My colleague can actualize this recitation of God’s love in his pending divorce proceedings.  Is there any agape in his heart for his wife?  Interestingly, most psychological and marriage therapy studies stipulate that couples who find the means and methods of reconciliation are typically happier in five years than they have ever been.  Forgiveness yields a wholesale change in the individuals and their relationships as it gives them greater gratitude for each other and the life they share.  Yet, the primary questions remains for him, “Is forgiveness really possible?”

Worthington additionally reasons that forgiveness results in hope which creates memories of the future.  Through the eyes of the heart, my colleague could imagine a day when he and his wife will sit on a front porch and laugh about their current struggles.  As Romans 5:1-5 states, hope is borne of a hard process beginning with pain and suffering which produce patience and perseverance which in turn forge character whereby a person acquires authentic hope.  My colleague’s glance down the corridors of the future is not a Pollyannaish and emotionally facile attempt to resolve very difficult and painful problems.  Rather, his genuine love for his wife leads him to forgive her which means he freely and unconditionally relinquishes his right to retribution thereby enabling him to have hope for a brighter and better future for their marriage.  Hope encourages and empowers him to see this future as he painstakingly walks with his wife towards it through the challenging process of restorative counseling and rebuilding communication, trust and friendship.

Is Forgiveness Really Possible? - The Conclusion

Is Forgiveness Really Possible? - The Conclusion

Throughout his ordeal, my colleague repeatedly shares the depth of his pain and disappointment.  He failed to see any warning signs.  He “staggered forward, rejoicing” in his “secure marriage.  He took pride in providing a lifestyle for his wife and children that exceeded the material possessions and creature comforts of his childhood formative years.  Most wives are ecstatic to receive the bounty of suburban, middle strata, bourgeois life fully furnished with a suitable house, large yard, appropriate cars and private school tuition.  Her gratitude would be most evident in her loyalty and consistent expression of thanksgiving.  However, she still is not impressed with his financial and material provision as they do not exceed the lifestyle of her family during childhood.  She chose my colleague because she knew he had the potential and inclination to offer a standard of living to which she was accustomed.  She expected him to offer the additional intangible riches of verbal affirmation and relational intimacy as evident in his time, single-minded attention, conversation and doting consideration of her needs and whims.  The realization that his love language proves insufficient to touch his wife’s heart and earn her devotion is the single most hurtful aspect of his ordeal. 

In addition to asking him whether he has a mustard seed’s faith and love to forgive, I additionally suggested to him that he consider the extent of his willingness to unlearn what he knew about love.  Like most people, his understanding of love was defined by the example he observed in his parents.  Practical provision of finances and material needs and fulfillment of marital and parental obligations was his father’s language of expressing love.  Uncritically, my colleague accepted his beloved father’s example as the correct method of demonstrating love.  Hugs, kisses, verbal affirmations and other spontaneous ways of showing someone your love were not in his father’s vocabulary and thus he did not include them in his.  His imminent divorce affords him an opportunity to expand his knowledge of love by learning other ways of loving his wife.  Will he cultivate the willingness and humility to learn how to love his wife in a manner that genuinely touches her heart?  Will he fulfill the grand ideals of The Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi seek to love her in a meaningful, redemptive and transformative way instead of demanding she reciprocate his faithful, sincere and hardworking love?  His willingness to unlearn and relearn will empower him to progress in forgiveness as he humbly acknowledges his previous failure to love in manner that she needed contributed significantly to causing the circumstances culminating in their imminent divorce.

Parenthetically, I recognize life’s mystery and inexplicability often coerce us to receive the advice we give to others.  In some form, I may need to employ the suggestions I gave to my colleague.  I have learned to be very cautious about waxing eloquent when helping others in resolving their problems.  Perhaps, counselors should glance constantly in a mirror as they give advice to patients.  Nevertheless, I shared with my colleague were I in his position, I honestly would search my heart for a smidgen of authentic love for my wife.  Upon finding it, I would with God’s grace and humility borne of my vivid recollections of my past mistakes strive earnestly toward genuine forgiveness.  Truly, I hope I am daily experiencing ego deflation and making fewer and fewer of my decisions solely within my natural mind and reasoning abilities.  As I greatly desire to mature spiritually, I hope I prioritize discerning, accepting and actualizing God’s will as it manifests within my internal intuition and intentions.  Accordingly, I trust I suggested to him what I would do as I can only offer my experience, strength and hope.

“The end is in the beginning.”  Ralph Ellison concludes his unparalleled fantastically novel, Invisible Man, about the protagonist’s experiential and existential discovery of his genuine uniqueness with those ironic words.  The nameless and invisible central character never concretely defines his raison d’être, reason for being, because he uncritically and persistently accepts the external definitions of himself.  Should my colleague rely firmly upon his rights and legitimate righteous indignation, he will forego an incredible opportunity to learn to love and forgive in an authentic Christian and spiritual way.  Should he persists in satiating his ego and verifying his correct behavior in contrast to the offenses and pain his wife had inflicted, he will lost the opportunity to exchange his mind, heart and character for that of the Lord Jesus Christ.  Whether he maximizes this spiritual growth and personal development depends primarily upon his answer to the fundamental question, “Is forgiveness possible?”