Is Forgiveness Really Possible?

Is Forgiveness Really Possible?

Is forgiveness really possible?  A clergy colleague of mine faces a longstanding, arduous and painful divorce proceeding.  Without any warning signs, his wife vociferously announced her desire for a divorce nearly three years ago.  He responded with a request for counseling and a joint effort of good faith to work toward reconciliation.  At the time, she would not hear any of her requests for repair of the breach of communication, trust, intimacy and friendship in their marriage.  Her pain motivated her to steadfastly seek its dissolution.  Moreover, her pain led to seek comfort in an extramarital affair and relationship which overlapped with her demands for a divorce.  Over the course of one thousand and one hundred days, my colleague faithfully and attentively rode the roller coaster which his wife built as they meandered between stressful jobs, holiday obligations, parental duties, extended family relationships and peaks and valleys of emotions within a provisional relationship in the same living space.  Counseling sessions unearthed a devastating and soul-wounding confession from his wife.  Their children’s birthdays compelled polite hypocrisy.  Nights became lonelier and lonelier as they could no longer justly share the same bed.  Still, in the deep recesses of his mind, he had to wrestle with his mental projections of her infidelities.  What did she do?  How did she do it?  Did she violate the most sacred trust of marital intimacy by sharing sexual exploits with another man that she refused to give generously and unconditionally to the man with whom she made a covenant before God, the Church, their families and closest friends?  Will he be able to obliterate such dastardly and spontaneous images even if they reconcile?  As they near the legal finalization of the requisite paperwork and completion of this grueling process of severing a relationship that consumed more than half of their adult lives, his wife asks for reconciliation!  Considering the foregoing details and many others of which I am not aware as only the man and the woman really know what has transpired over the years, the question remains, “Is forgiveness really possible?”

As my colleague and very good friend and I discussed his predicament, he asked me this question.  How could his wife willy-nilly ask to reconcile after precipitating the most hurtful period of his life second to the loss of his beloved father?  Can he believe anything she says?  He fails to see any signs of genuineness and humility.  Perhaps, the demise of her affair motivates her desire for reconciliation?  Can he forgive her when she persists proudly in denying her behavior and refusal to accept any responsibility for the pain she has caused to him and their family?  All of these questions are corollaries of the primary one, “Is forgiveness really possible?”

With a quarter of a century’s experience in pastoral ministry inclusive of the “disjointed incrementalism of growth” as a counselor, I know I am not to answer anyone’s critically emotional and existential questions.  Accepting the limitations of my prism of experience and incomplete knowledge of relevant facts and contributing factors, I facilitate an internal conversation between my colleague and his heart and psyche.  Practically, his question results in a question I ask him.  “Is there sufficient love in your heart to surmount and transcend any and all your wife’s offenses and enable your genuine forgiveness?”  Strongly, I encouraged him to forsake the temptation to respond from the space of his wounded and shattered ego!  Instead, I suggested he thoroughly and fearless search his innermost heart for even a mustard’s seed of love, faith and willingness to forgive.  As love is the basis for forgiveness, my colleague would have to find miniscule yet authentic love in his heart for his wife in order to answer the primary question affirmatively.  Steadfastly relying upon his carnal mind and cognitive abilities which are so easily seduced by the ego will yield ultimately an erroneous answer.  Arrogance inevitably veils the deep pain of his wounded pride.  Notwithstanding his justifiable righteous indignation and legitimate grounds to proceed toward severing the marriage to the contrary, an enduringly spiritual, just and valid decision could only emerge from his heart.  Relentlessly and irritatingly, I encouraged him to search his heart as if he were combing for lost gold in the bottom of the ocean to ascertain whether he still loves his wife and thus forgive her enroute to restoration of their marriage.

To obtain a clear, undiluted answer that is not tainted with the residue of other people’s experiences and opinions, my colleague and friend needs to withdraw and wrestle with his internal struggle.  His dilemma reminds me of Jacob’s all-night wrestling match with an angel.  Jacob declares, “I won’t let you go until you bless me.”  Jacob’s defiance causes the angel to wound him slightly from that night forward Jacob walks with a limp as the angel dislocated a part of one of Jacob’s legs.  Similarly, my friend will leave his retreat of isolation with indelible scars within his memory as he recalls any aspect of this ordeal.  Nevertheless, he needs to grapple honestly and doggedly with making this very difficult decision.  With the use of effective and meaningful spiritual disciplines, he will discern the will of God and the raw and brutally honest desires of his heart.  Practicing these spiritual principles will enable my colleague to hear the still, small voice of divine intuition and intelligence, arguably the most certain medium of ascertaining and verifying the Lord’s will.  Again, listening for this voice necessitates resistance of the opinions and thoughts of other regardless of how well intentioned they may be.  It further requires a person to discard the potent seduction of his ego.  Consistent with recommendations of the Psalter in the fifth psalm and the prayer practices of the Lord Jesus Christ (Mark 1:35), my colleagues must withdraw to a solitary and sacred space to listen intently to the voice of Almighty God as it rises within him.