Third Pathway – Genuinely Extending Forgiveness –
Part III
In a major city of Western state, a
layperson learned of his wife’s infidelity.
While he worked, she stayed home and supervised a home improvement project. Among other factors, resentment from an
extended drought in their physical intimacy culminated in her affair with the
handyman. The narcissism of her dual
drug addiction and alcoholism coerced her to divulge her indiscretions with a
rather arrogant attitude. Demoralized by
the events that contributed to this existential nightmare, he sought pastoral
counseling. A lifelong churchgoer who
faithfully attended Sunday School, this man knew his biblical and legal rights;
he clearly possessed obvious and reasonable grounds for divorce. However, he began the session with his pastor
by affirming his love for his wife. He
expressed his recognition of his viable grounds for dissolving his
marriage. Overriding this impulse, his
genuine love for her impeded any hasty decisions. He and his pastor agreed that this man’s
heart would lead him to the decision that was most appropriate and holistic for
him, his wife and their family.
Knowledge of his wife’s addiction,
alcoholism and infidelity led to his loss of an opportunity for promotion to an
Olympian position in his profession. A
blessing of this type occurs once in a lifetime. Still, he did not divorce his wife because he
truly loved her and hoped his affection would redeem her transgressions. Like the prophet, Hosea, this man earnestly
believed the combination of God’s love and his wholehearted affection would buy
his wife back from the slave auction of promiscuity and betrayal. His love for his wife extended to his
stepdaughter whom he adopted. Though the
marriage eventually failed due to his wife’s refusal to get any help for her
incapacities, he fulfilled his fatherly obligations by ensuring her daughter’s graduation
from an exclusive private high school and later form college. Had he not understood the new “Law of love,”
he would have abandoned this important role in his stepdaughter’s life. As God’s mystery and grace would unfold in
this man’s life, he received another opportunity to advance professionally. Graciously and humbly, he received this
redemptive chance and did not harbor any resentment or bitterness toward his
former wife. His stepdaughter does not
think of him as anyone other than her father.
These enduring and eternal blessings emerged in his life as an outgrowth
of his authentic love for God, his former wife and their children. Love equipped and motivated this man to
forgive.
Forgiveness equates with pardon, the
comprehensive expungement of the original offense. Simply stated, the offended party
relinquishes due rights to punishment and retribution. Whether infidelity, betrayal or violation of
a covenantal agreement, understanding God’s love enables forgiveness. One additional example illustrates this
spiritual maxim. Darwin and Diane once
shared what they believed was a blissful and wonderful marriage. As time passed with the rearing of their
children, purchasing a house, advancing professionally and acquiring dream
cars, the monotony of marital obligations eroded their joy. It was no longer fun to be married. Alcoholism entered the drama of their lives
as a means of rekindling the embers of their hearts and emotions. Darwin’s crossed the indivisible line and
lapse irretrievably in alcoholism.
Essentially, he carried on an affair with drinking until it terminated
his marriage. Diane responded to the
necessary dissolution of their marriage with furor and unrelenting bitterness
which grew with the passage of each day.
After nearly two decades of separation, Darwin learns of Diane’s
terminal diagnosis of cancer. In those twenty years, silently and individually,
Darwin and Diane forgave each other as they both still loved each other. His love and forgiveness enabled him to quit
his job thereby freeing him to be her primary caretaker. In the year preceding her death, he assisted
her in pursuing a treatment regimen. He
took her to doctor’s appointments, filled prescriptions, bore expenses as his
finances allowed and sat with her as she increasingly accepted her physical
demise and forthcoming expiration. He
walked with her as she approached the threshold of eternity with full faith and
confidence of an afterlife. This miracle
of forgiveness, compassion and graciousness emerged out of his love for God and
ability to love his former wife notwithstanding their turbulent and hurtful
separation.
Parenthetically, an authentic apology
from an offender could be a source of tremendous healing for many victims. An admission of guilt and assumption of
responsibility for hurtful deeds by a perpetrator dignifies the humanity of the
person he or she injures. Countless
wounded adult children secretly and silently cherish the notion that one day
their parents will apologize for many demeaning words and hurtful deeds. Complete forgiveness would magically and
instantaneously appear were they to say simply, “I’m genuinely sorry for what I
said and did to you when you were growing up.”
Abandoned and neglected children could heal from their pain and enjoy
better personal and professional relationships if someone would acknowledge how
extensively they have been hurt.
However, most parents are not sufficiently self-reflective to examine
any failures or mistakes in parenting.
Usually, they respond defensively, “Given who I was at the time, I did
the best that I could with what I had.”
This dismissive attitude pours salt into an open wound. However, receipt of an apology is not a
prerequisite to forgiveness. In most
instances, injured parties will not receive apologies. They still must extend forgiveness to
liberate themselves from imprisonment as victims.
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