Is Forgiveness Really Possible? - Part Two

Is Forgiveness Really Possible? - Part Two

Everett L. Worthington, author of To Forgive Is Human, posits forgiveness is genuinely transformative and redemptive.  Were my find to forgive his wife, his graciousness, pardon and compassion could motivate her to strive to eradicate the character defects that led to her affair and self-centered desire for a divorce to satiate her whims.  Were he to share his raw and unabashed pain with her rather than rely upon his righteous indignation, witnessing the colossal damage of her words and actions may result in a paradigm shift in her life.  She may respond by committing to a mission and purpose in life beyond satisfying her self-seeking motives and self-centered fears.  His love could change her life!  I suspect, were I to hear her account of the last three years, she has been starving for affection, intimacy, romance and understanding.  Perhaps, she feels ignored by her husband.  Possibly, she receives more compliments about her character and beauty from other men than she does her husband.  Conceivably, the extramarital affair occurred because the man however deceitfully gave her emotional attention and consideration she does not receive from her husband.  Feeling as if she were a person dying of thirst in the desert, she unwittingly took what she thought was the last drink available to save her life.  Most regrettably, the consequences of her choice are the most tragic years in her life.  Nonetheless, were my colleague to crucify his ego and emotions by straightforwardly sharing his pain with her, God would utilize his pain to transform his wife’s personality.

As a clergyperson, my colleague has an opportunity to actualize many of his sermons.  It is rather easy to wax eloquent about spiritual principles in the pulpit.  Practically, every pastor has preached about the amazing attributes of divine love especially as embodied in the life, crucifixion, death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ.  Pastors contrast the four Greek words for love.  Eros from which the English word, erotic, comes is brute, physical type of love essentially describing physical impulses culminating in sexual acts.  Phileo means brotherly and sisterly compassion; the wide use of “Brother” and “Sister” in church circles is an application of this type of social and relational love between disciples.  Storge equates with familial love and the obligations we believe parents, siblings and relatives owe to each other.  The supreme form of love, agape, is the word the evangelist utilizes to describe God’s gift of His Son, Jesus Christ, whose life is an atoning sacrifice and propitiation for the sin of humankind.  Agape redeems anyone whom it touches because it is selfless, sacrificial, salvific and transformative.  As God is love, He graciously and generously gives love without any expense or burden as He intrinsically shares Himself with humankind. 

According to John 3:16, the Heavenly Father willingly offers His Son as a love offering to save humankind.  God makes this sacrifice because He is love and only His love will redeem humankind as centuries of human history document the inability of the Law and Prophets to accomplish this divine purpose.  To save means practically to heal and restore to wholeness.  Agape bridges the chasm that occurred between God and humankind due to the infidelity and rebellion in the Garden of Eden and humankind’s subsequent and perpetual continuation of its offense against the holy character of Almighty God.  Further, agape causes a metamorphosis, a complete transformation of principles and purpose in the heart and mind, within anyone who encounters God’s unfailing and unconditional love.  My colleague can actualize this recitation of God’s love in his pending divorce proceedings.  Is there any agape in his heart for his wife?  Interestingly, most psychological and marriage therapy studies stipulate that couples who find the means and methods of reconciliation are typically happier in five years than they have ever been.  Forgiveness yields a wholesale change in the individuals and their relationships as it gives them greater gratitude for each other and the life they share.  Yet, the primary questions remains for him, “Is forgiveness really possible?”

Worthington additionally reasons that forgiveness results in hope which creates memories of the future.  Through the eyes of the heart, my colleague could imagine a day when he and his wife will sit on a front porch and laugh about their current struggles.  As Romans 5:1-5 states, hope is borne of a hard process beginning with pain and suffering which produce patience and perseverance which in turn forge character whereby a person acquires authentic hope.  My colleague’s glance down the corridors of the future is not a Pollyannaish and emotionally facile attempt to resolve very difficult and painful problems.  Rather, his genuine love for his wife leads him to forgive her which means he freely and unconditionally relinquishes his right to retribution thereby enabling him to have hope for a brighter and better future for their marriage.  Hope encourages and empowers him to see this future as he painstakingly walks with his wife towards it through the challenging process of restorative counseling and rebuilding communication, trust and friendship.

Is Forgiveness Really Possible? - The Conclusion

Is Forgiveness Really Possible? - The Conclusion

Throughout his ordeal, my colleague repeatedly shares the depth of his pain and disappointment.  He failed to see any warning signs.  He “staggered forward, rejoicing” in his “secure marriage.  He took pride in providing a lifestyle for his wife and children that exceeded the material possessions and creature comforts of his childhood formative years.  Most wives are ecstatic to receive the bounty of suburban, middle strata, bourgeois life fully furnished with a suitable house, large yard, appropriate cars and private school tuition.  Her gratitude would be most evident in her loyalty and consistent expression of thanksgiving.  However, she still is not impressed with his financial and material provision as they do not exceed the lifestyle of her family during childhood.  She chose my colleague because she knew he had the potential and inclination to offer a standard of living to which she was accustomed.  She expected him to offer the additional intangible riches of verbal affirmation and relational intimacy as evident in his time, single-minded attention, conversation and doting consideration of her needs and whims.  The realization that his love language proves insufficient to touch his wife’s heart and earn her devotion is the single most hurtful aspect of his ordeal. 

In addition to asking him whether he has a mustard seed’s faith and love to forgive, I additionally suggested to him that he consider the extent of his willingness to unlearn what he knew about love.  Like most people, his understanding of love was defined by the example he observed in his parents.  Practical provision of finances and material needs and fulfillment of marital and parental obligations was his father’s language of expressing love.  Uncritically, my colleague accepted his beloved father’s example as the correct method of demonstrating love.  Hugs, kisses, verbal affirmations and other spontaneous ways of showing someone your love were not in his father’s vocabulary and thus he did not include them in his.  His imminent divorce affords him an opportunity to expand his knowledge of love by learning other ways of loving his wife.  Will he cultivate the willingness and humility to learn how to love his wife in a manner that genuinely touches her heart?  Will he fulfill the grand ideals of The Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi seek to love her in a meaningful, redemptive and transformative way instead of demanding she reciprocate his faithful, sincere and hardworking love?  His willingness to unlearn and relearn will empower him to progress in forgiveness as he humbly acknowledges his previous failure to love in manner that she needed contributed significantly to causing the circumstances culminating in their imminent divorce.

Parenthetically, I recognize life’s mystery and inexplicability often coerce us to receive the advice we give to others.  In some form, I may need to employ the suggestions I gave to my colleague.  I have learned to be very cautious about waxing eloquent when helping others in resolving their problems.  Perhaps, counselors should glance constantly in a mirror as they give advice to patients.  Nevertheless, I shared with my colleague were I in his position, I honestly would search my heart for a smidgen of authentic love for my wife.  Upon finding it, I would with God’s grace and humility borne of my vivid recollections of my past mistakes strive earnestly toward genuine forgiveness.  Truly, I hope I am daily experiencing ego deflation and making fewer and fewer of my decisions solely within my natural mind and reasoning abilities.  As I greatly desire to mature spiritually, I hope I prioritize discerning, accepting and actualizing God’s will as it manifests within my internal intuition and intentions.  Accordingly, I trust I suggested to him what I would do as I can only offer my experience, strength and hope.

“The end is in the beginning.”  Ralph Ellison concludes his unparalleled fantastically novel, Invisible Man, about the protagonist’s experiential and existential discovery of his genuine uniqueness with those ironic words.  The nameless and invisible central character never concretely defines his raison d’être, reason for being, because he uncritically and persistently accepts the external definitions of himself.  Should my colleague rely firmly upon his rights and legitimate righteous indignation, he will forego an incredible opportunity to learn to love and forgive in an authentic Christian and spiritual way.  Should he persists in satiating his ego and verifying his correct behavior in contrast to the offenses and pain his wife had inflicted, he will lost the opportunity to exchange his mind, heart and character for that of the Lord Jesus Christ.  Whether he maximizes this spiritual growth and personal development depends primarily upon his answer to the fundamental question, “Is forgiveness possible?”

Celebrating the Life and Legacy of The Late Rev. William H. Gray, III

Celebrating the Life and Legacy of The Late Rev. William H. Gray, III

Pastor Emeritus of Bright Hope Baptist Church in Philadelphia, PA

and

Former Majority Whip of the U. S. House of Representatives

Vividly, I recall my first trip to Bright Hope Baptist Church and my first time entering the sanctuary.  I college classmate who has become a lifelong friend and spent his formative years in this church invited me to worship with his family over a Thanksgiving weekend.  As we approached the parking lot, I noticed the external side of a large stain-glassed window which adorned the sanctuary and held a rather prominent place in the edifice as it was discernible to everyone within and outside the building.  At time, I had discovered recently writings of relating to the Civil Rights and Black Power Movements particularly pieces detailing the distinguishing characteristics of Black Religion in America.  Excoriating the prevalence of the blond hair, blue eyes Jesus who had sanctioned chattel slavery in the American South and the insidiously violent century of segregation inclusive of nearly four thousand lynchings permeates these pieces.  Accordingly, I held my breath as I hoped against hope that this historic, traditional and socially progressive African American Baptist congregation would not have committed the sin of self-hatred by displaying an image of a god who does not reflect their divinity.  As I inched around the corner from a rear entrance into the sanctuary, to my great surprise and almost tearful exuberance, I beheld for the first time the largest replica of the Black Christ in North America.

In his venerable Autobiography, Malcolm X posits that one of the greatest crimes that the United States of America perpetrated upon people of African descent is teaching us to serve a divine being who does not look like us.  My initial glance of the Black Christ at Bright Hope Baptist Church on the chilly fall Sunday morning immediately reminded of Malcolm X’s spiritual maxim.  It would introduce me to a Black Baptist clergyperson and pastor who personified in his daily and practical ministry the supreme moral, ethical and biblical tenets of Black Theology.  The gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ does not sanction social, economic and political ideas, traditions, policies and systems that impede anyone’s rights and just opportunities to actualize his divine gifts of life and talents and actualize his natural endowments.  Although he would become a Member of Congress and ascend to the fourth highest leadership post of Majority Whip and serve as Chairperson of the Budget Committee and subsequently raise billions of dollars as the President and Chief Executive Officer of The United Negro College Fund, primarily Reverend William H. Gray, III was a Pastor.  As a seminarian and later as a duly installed Minister of Word and Sacrament, I observed in Pastor Gray a bold and prophetic clergyperson who challenged and expanded society’s assumptions of the gospel of Christ.  Beyond attending self-satisfying and blissful worship services, establishing mutually beneficial relationships within the fellowship of local churches and gleaning methods for strengthening personal piety, Christians are called by our Lord to create a more just and equitable society.  More especially, Christians of the African Diaspora cannot comply uncritically with the manipulation of the gospel in furthering systemic injustice and inequities.  As African Americans must serve a god who reflects their holistic “Blackness,” they equally must demand that the country, in which they live to which they have been exceedingly loyal and patriotic notwithstanding its victimization of them, also celebrate and respect their divinity and “Blackness.”

In many ways, as I reflect upon and celebrate Pastor Gray’s ministry and legacy, I view him as stalwart “Old Testament Christian” who preached and exemplified the teachings relating to the combination of social justice and righteousness as equal components of a relationship with Almighty God.  He believed disciples had an obligation to speak for those persons who cannot speak for themselves and advocate removal of all barriers to their dignity as fellow human beings and citizens as well as children of God.  In the teachings of Christ, Pastor Gray concentrated upon society’s debt to care for “the least of these,” the most vulnerable persons who reside amongst us.  As the Chairperson of the U. S. House of Representatives Budget Committee, Pastor Gray understood the critical spiritual maxim that budgets are moral documents which reflect a society’s genuine religious principles and ethical practices.  What we believe is most clearly reflected in our treatment of our fellow citizens who do not possess financial, educational, cultural and other social privileges.  I remember his fierce and enduring advocacy for preserving programs to assist and empower the neediest persons amongst us.  Most regrettably, he is no longer in the Congress to fight continually for these fellow citizens who live on the margins of life.  In addition, Pastor Gray contributed significantly in organizing one of the most effective political coalitions in Philadelphia.  Whereas this group became a direct means of accomplishing his personal political ambitions, it also emerged as one of several instruments in which he fulfilled the foregoing grand aims of the Hebrews prophets; “Do justly, love mercy and walk humbly before God.”     

At the height of his political career, Rev. Gray arguably was the most powerful African American public servant as he attained the position of Majority Whip in the Democratic controlled U. S. House of Representatives.  His achievement enabled many of us to harbor the idea of an African American obtaining the Presidency of the United States as Pastor Gray stood within an arm’s reach of the position.  Certainly, his successes paved the road for President Obama.  Additionally, I highly respected Pastor Gray’s formidable stance in opposing apartheid and calling for sanctions against the South African government.  That was one of the seminal moral issues during my collegiate years.  As I write, I recall a broadcast of The McNeil-Lehrer News Hour in which Pastor Gray characterized President Reagan’s comments about tribal conflicts amongst Black South Africans as asinine.  Then, U S. Undersecretary of State, Chester Crocker, was stunned into complete silence as he could not offer a reasonable rebuttal.  Still, I appreciate Pastor Gray’s force of tone and character as he straightforwardly condemned the treatment of Black South Africans by their own government and the U. S. government’s acquiescence of that despicable racism.

Conceivably, Pastor Gray’s work with the United Negro College Fund will be his definitive contribution to the African American community and our country.  His grand successes in raising billions of dollars and preserving that entity for many years to come will enable future generations of leaders in all segments of society to obtain the foundational education and training necessary for their success.  It is ironic how destiny often finds us when we least expect it.  I hope future generations of African American collegians will revere Pastor Gray as they should.  His labor of love will encourage and empower future twenty-first century leaders to enter proactively and forthrightly the global village and marketplace in which we live in a post 9 September 2001 world.  Living with a myopic worldview that accepts xenophobia, practices jingoism and furthers economic and political elitism will be very costly for any nation.  It shall be particularly so for Americans as we witness fundamental and irreversible shifts in geopolitical and international relations. As a prophet who boldly proclaim the truth and foresaw future developments, Pastor Gray exhorted us to surmount these domestic societal ills enroute to embracing the world’s progressive pluralism and intermixture of economies and interests.

Quintessentially, Reverend William H. Gray, III was a Pastor.  Throughout his years of public service within the Congress and at The United Negro College Fund, Pastor Gray returned faithfully to the Bright Hope pulpit three Sundays per month to demonstrate his commitment to a church that fostered his personality, ministry and prophetic vision.  Thereby, he showed his true calling to serve God as he strove to meet the practical needs of people.  I still recall his Thanksgiving 1987 sermon, “The Moving Hand Writes,” in which he paid tribute to the late Harold Washington, Mayor of Chicago at the time of his death.  I also recalled how he left the building shortly after delivering that sermon as his congressional duties mandated he leave.  As a Pastor, I admired Pastor Gray’s dedication to his priestly duties; he did not ignore them and allow them to lapse and suffer as he met the demanding schedule of elective office and educational administration in the public and prophetic sphere.  Additionally, I appreciate the way in which Pastor Gray handled the snafu that surrounded his initial period of retirement.  He put Bright Hope before his own interest and ensured her future would be secure.  His return to the Church until the installation of the current pastor was a testament to his grandfather and father as well as to the great people of Bright Hope to whom he must have felt an incalculable debt.

My final tribute to Pastor Gray is recognition of his esteem of marriage and family while juxtaposing his priestly duties as Pastor and prophetic calling as a public servant.  His untimely death occurred during a perennial period of enjoyment of Wimbledon in London.  One of his sons accompanied Pastor Gray on this year’s pilgrimage to watch superlative tennis matches.  Sharing a favorite and heartfelt interest with a son can be a father’s greatest delight.  I imagine Pastor Gray feasted upon the food for the soul that such times yielded.  I pray his son will find enduring comfort and sustaining healing in his reflections of these final days with his beloved father.  

Assuredly, the Bright Hope family mourns the loss of Pastor Gray as his death signals the end of an important era for your Church.  I recall the pride of my classmate and his fellow congregants in electing Pastor Gray to Congress and thus enabling the African American community throughout the country to ascend to greater heights of leadership and success.  Whereas these will become the glory days for many in the Bright Hope family, hopefully, they will be a foreshadowing of many more significant accomplishments in creating a more just and equitable society.  Nevertheless, I pray our brothers and sisters will find refuge in God’s Word and comfort in His presence.

With thanksgiving and praise to Almighty God, I celebrate the life, ministry, public service and legacy of the late Reverend William H. Gray, III, Pastor Emeritus of Bright Hope Baptist Church in Philadelphia, PA and former Majority Whip of the United States House of Representatives.  “Blessed are the dead in Christ for they rest from their labors and their deeds follow them.” (Revelation 14:13).

 

The Key to a Joyous and Complete Life - Proverbs 19:23

The Key to a Joyous and Complete Life

Theme:      Proverbs 19:23

The fear of the Lord is the key to a joyous and complete life filled with creativity, success, prosperity, health, peace and wholeness.  By fear, Solomon means adoration and worship of Almighty God instead of a feeling of trepidation about possible judgment and punishment.  God does not want us to recoil in His presence.  Rather, He desires that we find security in His unfailing love, comforting presence, unquestionable faithfulness and unending grace.  As He freely gives His unmerited favor to us, His children, out of His limitless heart of love, God equally extends His mysterious and infinite mercy.  His love yields daily and practical blessings enabling us to live a joyous and complete life.

Solomon likens the fear of the Lord with life itself.  He describes exaltation and obedience to Almighty God in a vibrant and progressive relationship as “life indeed.”  This interdependent union between God and an individual supplies him with lifelong freedom from fear of daily provision, lack of purpose, aimless principles and failure to progress and prosper.  Actually, anyone who wholeheartedly fears the Lord rests securely throughout his life.  Moreover, he suffers no harm.  God’s faithfulness serves as an offensive and defensive weapon.  It is shield against the fiery darts of doubt, cynicism, ridicule, natural disasters, health scares and emotional instability.  It is a refuge amidst life’s daily tests and trials.  It is a citadel of protection against the assault of enemies, seen and unseen.  Thus, dwelling continuously in God’s presence means persistent provision and protection.  That blessed assurance prevents suffering and secures His children against any harm.

Furthermore, to utilize the key to a joyous and complete life and open the door to its vistas, a disciple fundamentally and perpetually gives thanks to Almighty God, “the Giver of every good and perfect gift,” for His gracious and generous bestowal of daily blessings.

Introduction

Author of the international best-selling book, The Power of Positive Thinking, Norman Vincent Peale considerably raised popular consciousness about the benefits of spiritual progress and personal improvement through positive thinking.  His books promote the primary idea that happiness and contentment emerges in the lives of people who discipline their minds to convert all thoughts into positive affirmations.  Likewise, positive people participate in favorable and empowering conversations.  Peale encourages belief in great possibility and limitless creativity.  He challenges his readers to view obstacles as opportunities and roadblocks as directions to a better path.  “If life gives you lemons, then make lemonade.”  A positive outlook virtually assures a person that everything will work out.  Essentially, Peale strives to help struggling persons discover the means and methods of living a complete life.

Centuries before Peale, King Solomon, believed to be the wisest man to have ever lived, offers a more straightforward and enduring answer to the question relating to how to acquire a complete and joyous life.  Simply, Solomon suggests the fear of the Lord and its consequent wisdom as the most effective means and methods of totally enjoying daily living.  Solomon credits the Lord’s wisdom as the deliverer of Solomon’s worldwide influence and unprecedented wealth.  When visited by the Lord in a dream as a child, Solomon is given a chance to ask for anything he wants.  Humbly, Solomon asks for divine wisdom and practical guidance to lead Israel.  Because Solomon does not requests material and financial gain but God’s help, the Lord gives Solomon his heart’s desire and limitless other acquisitions.  Consequently, Solomon teaches others that life is meant to be filled with bountiful blessings and if unfavorable situations arise, God always will take care of anyone who rightly relates to Him.  As Solomon greatly values the Lord’s wisdom, Solomon lives under divine protection although a vast army surrounds him.  For anyone who listens to and fears God, a joyous and complete life awaits.

Definition – What is meant by a joyous and complete life?

Ancient philosophers wrestled with this question.  What is the summum bonum in life?  Aristotle asks, “What is the ultimate good in life?”  Socrates says “The unexamined life is not worth living.”  Epictetus and other Stoic thinkers suggest a person minimize pain as much as possible.  Hedonists recommend maximum self-indulgence; “eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die.”  Other Eastern thinkers pursue nirvana, a state of extreme bliss and self-actualization.  All of these perspectives attempt to help people answer one of life’s most demanding questions.  How do we attain a joyous and complete life?

Arguably, there are as many correct answers to the question as people offering responses.  However, Solomon would reject this notion of relativism.  He does not accept any answer as reasonable that excludes a vibrant and growing relationship with Almighty God.  Life, itself, fundamentally means adoration, worship and praise of God.  Hence, a joyous and complete life centers upon God as a person’s “ultimate concern” and reason for being.

It is also possible to answer this enduring question from both negative and positive points of view.  A joyous and complete life definitely excludes adversity, danger and bleak experiences.  A joyous person overcomes all of his fears; renounces doubt; does not lack anything; forsakes poverty; never fails; shuns aimlessness and defeats all adversaries.  However, excluding negative aspects does not necessarily reveal anything positive.  Actually, it leaves a vacuum.  How do we fill it?  With what do we fill it? 

Practically speaking, what are the components of a joyous and complete life?  Love and work are the two main hemispheres in life.  How does a joyous person determine the passions of his heart?  How does he use his time?  Is he able to live peaceably with all people and in all situations?  Is he capable of adhering to moral and ethical principles despite the circumstances?  Is he a good steward of his talents, treasure and temperament in addition to his time?

Today, many spiritual teachers offer concrete answers and “cookie cutter” formulas in response to those questions.  They constantly bombard the airwaves and Internet with fanciful ideas and marketable phrases which evaporate in the heat of reality.  In stark contrast, in this eternal wisdom in Proverbs 19:23, Solomon recognizes life’s many dimensions, components, relationships and seasons do not lend themselves to easy and elementary answers.  Yet, its surest foundation is a relationship with Almighty God whose love, grace, mercy and blessings supply joy and wholeness.

Proofs of a Joyous and Complete Life

What are the indicators of a joyous and complete life?  Possibly, the list is inexhaustible.  Four evident signs leap from the biblical page when meditating upon this verse.  Righteousness which means to live in a right relationship with Almighty God by sharing in His holiness, accepting His unconditional love, benefiting from His grace, receiving His mercy and relying upon His faithfulness is primary.  Second, it reasonable a joyous person devotes himself to a lifelong purpose instead of merely working in a chosen profession; he pursues his passion as a means of earning his daily bread.  Because he works within his passion, he attains achievement and success if not excellence.  Third, he snores harmoniously when he sleeps as he lives in total peace with everyone and within each situation.  Finally, he enjoys complete freedom from all fears and obtains victory over all vices.

Practical Application

“The fear of the Lord” equates with worship which is a lifestyle instead of attendance at a collective gathering of believers.  Wholehearted adoration and praise of Almighty God requires denunciation of idolatry in all its insidious forms.  We cannot serve any other gods.  Accordingly, we obey God’s commands as we live in presence as an act of our reciprocal love in exchange for His loyal, faithful and unfailing love toward us.  We cultivate attitudes and hearts of endless thanksgiving for His bountiful blessings.  In our daily practical of spiritual disciplines such as maintaining a prayer journal and writing gratitude lists among other exercises to strengthen our relationships with Him, we realize the objectives of Solomon’s wisdom in this verse.  God is awesome and majesty beyond our wildest imaginations.  He offers us abundant life filled with serenity and security.  Each day, we cannot possibly awake to any nasty surprises.  No danger will befall us as we live in His direct presence.

Conclusion

If you accept Solomon’s suggestion regarding how to lead your life, you will not lack anything at any time.

Further Reflection

·         Psalm 23

·         Psalm 27

·         Psalm 42

·         Psalm 90

·         Psalm 91

·         Isaiah 40:28-31

·         Isaiah 41:10-13

·         Isaiah 42:16

·         Isaiah 43:1-3

·         Isaiah 45:3

On Being a Team Player within the Body of Christ

On Being a Team Player within the Body of Christ

Recently, my son, the resident athlete and basketball expert in our family, finished his season on the freshmen basketball team at his all boys parochial school.  His team managed to squeak out a winning season with an overall record of fourteen wins and eights losses (14-8) with an even league record of eight victories and eight defeats.  They progressed to the second round of the playoffs where they replayed a team to whom my son’s team previously suffered a disastrous loss by forty-five points.  It was very painful to travel to the Bronx New York in the midst of a Friday afternoon rush hour to watch such a royal shellacking.  Yet, my son’s team began the fourth quarter of the playoff game with only a deficit of nine points.  Had they had a better and more insightful and caring coach, they would have been able to adjust their game plan to grab a win and advance to the semi-final games. 

Nevertheless, my son maintained a very positive attitude as a member of his freshmen team although he was given extremely little playing time.  As his father, I maintained a silent poker face throughout the season though I was absolutely furious about the coach’s indifference to my son.  He is a good defensive player who aspires to coach basketball as his profession.  My son’s passion for the game of basketball is indescribable as he has learned the history of the game and can recite contemporary players and team statistics with ease and finesse.  Parenthetically, I wish his passion would extend to all of his academic subjects.  Nonetheless, his passion, knowledge and willingness to develop defense strategies made him an asset to his team.  Most regrettably, the coach for his freshmen seemed totally uninterested in developing my son or any other members of the team even the seven players he favored regularly.  Of the sixteen team players, nine of them spent most of the season on the bench.  As a consequence, they functioned as a practice squad for the other seven players.  We parents of the bench players attended as many games as the parents of the seven students who played regularly.  We face the same challenges of adjusting our schedules and managing competing priorities as any other parents.  Even in the foregoing game in which the team lost by forty-five points, we still has to wait until the last two minutes of the game in order to see our children enter the game.  Remarkably, in a holiday tournament game in which my son’s team won a game by seventy points, he and the other bench players did not enter the game until the final few minutes! 

Despite this disrespectful and offensive treatment by his coach, my son maintained a very positive outlook throughout his season.  I marvel still when I recall how my son faithfully characterized his opinions of game with “We” instead of “I” when he critiqued wins and losses.  When discussing mistakes, he always personalized the need for improvement.  He did not say “They” when assessing a mistake.  He always thought about what he needed to adjust in order to strengthen his skills.  Further, my son did not harbor any resentment toward the coach or the seven players who received partial treatment.  Though the coach rightly deserved my son’s disdain, he did not receive it publicly or privately.  My son never despised the man in my presence or anyone else’s.  As it relates to his team members, my son was not jealous of them.  He concentrated on his skills and sought to earn more playing team.  My son was magnanimous enough to compliment his teammates and cheer for them in very tight games.  He even overlooked the coach’s blatant incapacities and character defects among them being his primary refusal to establish any meaningful relationships with team members beyond the court.  Additionally, my son diplomatically handled an arrogant but weak and indecisive teammate who over-thought his position and thus consistently turned over the ball and missed important rebounds.  My son’s generosity and graciousness offer important lessons for me to emulate.

In 1 Corinthians 12, Paul parallels the parts of the human body with Christian fellowship.  Parts of human anatomy are dependent upon each other in order for a body to function healthily. The eyes cannot say to the knees, “I have no need of you.”  Although very prominently visible, the face, chest, buttocks and legs cannot denigrate the hidden internal organs which maintain viability.  As I reflect upon my son’s sportsmanship and generosity of attitude and character, I apply this biblical lesson to daily living.  Each member of a church would strengthen his or her congregation by following my son’s example. Successful athletic teams usually include team players who balance self-confidence with appropriate humility and willingness to subordinate personal achievements and records in order to win collectively.  “Trigger happy” basketball players who relentlessly but erroneously pursue the elusive “three-point” shot often turn the ball over to their opponents who usually capitalize upon those failed shots.  Actually, my son’s team suffered two of their seven losses because of a “trigger happy” forward who imagined the cacophonous glory and celebration of a dramatic “buzzer beating” shot.  Had he simply passed the ball for an obligatory lay-up shot, the team would have won.  In church settings, disciples with tunnel vision restricted to their self-centered motives and self-aggrandizing purposes often inhibit progress in congregational ministry.  Many times, latent jealousy explains their unwillingness to collaborate effectively with their brothers and sisters.  Practically speaking, perhaps members of church families could contribute most helpfully by being good team members who cheer for their brothers and sisters, seek ways for them to develop and maximize their potential, forsake personal arrogance and extend grace and generosity.     

Loving Difficult People: Love Transcends Character Defects and Personal Incapacities

Loving Difficult People:

Love Transcends Character Defects and Personal Incapacities

The previous phrase is my response to a clergy colleague who called to express his enduring frustrations about a mutual friend who has a heart of gold but is one of the most difficult persons with whom to collaborate.  Recently, the first colleague called to vent his anger about our mutual friend’s perpetual delays in coordinating a meeting date for a working session on a forthcoming presentation.  Each time my colleague in Denver suggested a date, the one in Boston offered an alternative which he repeatedly and subsequently rescheduled.  As the time for the conference approached, my Denver colleague actually offered to fly to Boston to meet with our friend to ensure they would be prepared to present.  Not surprisingly, the Boston colleague could not find time for a face-to-face meeting.  Shockingly, the Boston colleague called the one in Denver and left a terse voicemail about the necessity of appreciating other people’s time and efforts.  With regard to the written portion of the presentation, both men were to draft a segment and mutually edit them.  The Boston colleague failed to write even a word; but he severely edited the Denver colleague’s manuscript and demanded he delete central sections of his presentation.  After his anger dissipated, the Denver colleague asked me how I had worked successfully with the Boston colleague for the seven years I spent under his tutelage.  “As I got to know him, I realize he has a heart of gold.  He is one of the most generous persons I know.  In times of deep distress, he is a congregant’s pastor par excellence.  During my most difficult personal and pastoral days, he has been a friend indeed.  I am to overlook his character defects and personal incapacities because I know he is one of the most genuinely loving and caring people despite his difficulties.”

Living with the difficulties of a very hurtful and challenging upbringing inclusive of abandonment, neglect and indifference, my Boston colleagues exhibits a rough and tough exterior which functions as his citadel of protection.  The cumulative psycho-emotional and psycho-relational pain of his formative, childhood, adolescent and young adult years compelled him to build a “Great Wall” to prevent any further harm.  His circle of intimate friends is very tight and close.  In addition to his wife, he limits it to a college contemporary and seminary classmate. His gruff public persona petrified as he observed similar traits of an influential male in his upbringing.  His defense mechanisms, isolationist tendencies, proclivity to withdraw and easy lapse into depression in response to personal and professional rejection veil the heart of gold that lives exuberantly within him.  A prototype of Henri Nouwen’s “Wounded Healer,” my Boston colleague transforms his pain into emotional, spiritual and psychological assets of empathy, generosity and willingness to aid anyone in need.  His empathy and authentic consideration of others enables people who actually get to know him to overlook the unvarnished aspects of his character.

My Denver colleague persisted with stating his frustrations about our mutual friend and colleague.  The Boston colleague did not arrange a formal meeting nor did he complete his portion of the writing.  Yet, he staunchly criticized the Denver colleague’s writing and outline.  The Denver colleague could not understand our Boston colleague’s failure to submit his written portion or contribute to the presentation.  From my experience with this fellow, I posited his psyche could not permit him to write anything and subject it to collegial scrutiny.  He is not lazy or obtuse.  His insecurities could not absorb hard criticisms regardless of how respectful anyone offers them.  At this emotional and psychological stage of his life, he is unable constitutionally to digest any constructive feedback.  As circumstances would unfold, our Boston colleague eventually called our Denver colleague to apologize for his shortcomings and incidental lack of professionalism.  He admitted his incapacities and asked for relational forbearance.

After processing the apology, my Denver colleague asked how does the children of our Boston colleague handle being loved by someone whose love flows from such a hard and hurtful space?  I posited that his children are capable of seeing his heart of gold and looking beyond his character defect and incapacities.  Actually, I became self-reflective as I considered the question.  My children could easily indict me for the hard and difficult way in which I love them.  Whereas they appreciate the myriad tasks I complete for them, the money and other loving kindnesses, my son and my daughter probably would prefer I be less exacting, demanding and perfectionist.  Could I be less extreme in demanding that their rooms are clean and spotless?  Do I need to correct their grammar each time they misspeak?  Do they have to endure lectures contrasting my impoverished childhood with their middle class upbringing?  Must I emphasis academics so fiercely? Are the exhortations about the actualization of their talents and natural endowments necessary?  In fact, a spiritual director once told me that it must be hard for the recipients of my love.  Though they appreciate my labors of love, the intensity of my personality partially repels them.  As I humbly desire my wife and children overlook the shadow of my character, the past painful experiences that perpetually inhibit the emergence of my best self, I understand the dilemma of my Boston clergy colleague who suffers equally with this challenge.  To a large extent, he knows people appreciate him and his love but sincerely wish it evolves with less intensity and hardship.  Because he has a heart of gold, people who really know him choose favorably to look beyond the broken vessel which holds his love.

The apostle Paul reminds the Corinthian Christians that God embodies our ministries in “earthen vessels,” literally jars of clay and dirt.  Therefore it is evident that the miraculous wonders of the gospel and kingdom of God emerge from the Heavenly Father and not from any human talent or ability.  Equally, genuine and unconditional love emerges from human hearts circumcised with Christ’s redemptive, selfless and sacrificial love.  However, daily and practical expressions of Christ love by human beings will be as imperfect as we are.  Although our love expressions many not be perfect, our intentions very well may be.  Realizing this complexity and irony, we love difficult people by transcending their character defects and incapacities with our reciprocal love and enduring gratitude.

Listening for the Lord's Voice

Listening for the Lord’s Voice

The Lord Jesus says, "My sheep hear my voice and they listen to me." The Johannine evangelist records these words from the lips of our Lord as He discourses about His identity as the "Good Shepherd" who willingly gives His life in exchange for the lives of the sheep.  The Good Shepherd appraises His sheep's lives to be invaluable.  In Luke's version of this story, the Good Shepherd leaves ninety-nine sheep to pursue only one who wanders inexplicably from the fold.  What an incalculable appraisal when we consider the shepherd's willingness to sacrifice potentially ninety-nine percent of his flock in exchange for preserving a mere one percent.  How lavish is the Lord's love for His children.  Nonetheless, I surmise the singly lost sheep immediately heard the Lord's voice when He pursues him.  Presumably, the ninety-nine obey His voice and remain where He tells them to stay until His return.  Whether fleeing from the Lord's presence or remaining next to Him in silent obedience, His disciples listen faithfully and diligently for His voice.

Listening for the Lord's voice can be rather difficult given the multiplicities of contemporary daily distractions.  My son is basketball player and avid fan of the game.  This season, I attended nineteen of his twenty-two regular season games plus two play-off games.  As the season progressed and the desire for post-season play increased, the attendance, competition and noise level in the gyms increased commensurately.  Interestingly, parents appeared more emotionally invested in these games than the players and their coaches.  I sat next to many fathers, uncles, older brothers and cousins who fiercely yell directions to the players;  it is as if they are NCAA Division I coaches.  Compounding these relatives’ loud voices, the crowd is full of “experts” who equally and intensely yell directions to the players.  In the midst of this cacophony of enthusiasm, anger, fear, anxiety, loyalty, dreams, goals and hopes, the actual coaches struggle to encourage and empower their players and students to actualize their talents and natural endowments.  The players must find a way to hear and listen to their coaches despite the countless, high pitched voices they hear in the background.  Similarly, disciples strive to listen to the Lord’s voice and guidance in the midst of life’s busyness and daily noise.

As a loyal father of a player, I sit in bewilderment wondering how the players learn to ignore the crowd and listen intently to their coach’s voice.  The drama and intensity of the setting would confuse me.  Actually, it might paralyze me as I would not know what to do.  Somehow, basketball players can hear their coach’s voice above the crowd!  His words, “Pick and roll or cut left,” yield their obedience although someone else may scream the exact opposite.  Players develop the character, courage and consideration to esteem the coach’s instructions above those of fathers, other relatives and close friends.  My son informs me discipline is the key to learning to ignore the crowd.  Because of the time that players spend in practice with their coach, they develop a relationship with him and learn to trust his counsel and wisdom.  They accept him and his knowledge of the game of basketball.  They realize their coach knows more about the science of the game than an amateur fan whose knowledge does not extend beyond anything he watches on television or gleans from casual conversations with friends.  As a consequence, it does not matter how loudly a person in the bleaches yells; his words are a mere impression of what he suspects might be helpful.  Players rely forthrightly on the trustworthy relationship and experiential knowledge they acquire from practices with their coach.

A thorough non-athlete who was never picked for any of the neighborhood teams in pick-up games during childhood, I have been spared the preceding dilemma.  Yet, it resembles the challenge I face daily as a disciple of the Lord.  How do I listen intently for His voice amongst the competing voices of our rapidly advancing scientific, technological, pluralistic and global community?  In a culture that celebrates narcissism, worships at the altar of hedonism and esteems the self-seeking motives of capitalism, how do disciples obey “The Great Commandment” and the other biblical commands of Christ?  Obedient and loyal basketball players offer a significant clue.  Just as they cultivate discipline to hear and obey their coach’s voice and ignore the crowd’s uninformed opinions because of their relationship with their coach, discipline gain when they invest time and energy in building a greater relationship with the Lord.  With the daily practice of spiritual disciplines, disciplines learn the distinct sound of the Lord’s voice.  As they spend time with Him in accordance with the Psalter’s suggestions (Psalm 27:4, Psalm 42, and Psalm 46:10), disciples develop unwavering trust in the Lord.  They experience His faithfulness as both a shield and rampart, offensive and defensive weapons (Psalm 91:4).  Mostly and simply, they learn to listen to His voice and obey His will regardless of numerous competing and contrary voices.