Faith and Trepidation - Part One

Faith and Trepidation – Part One

Trepidation permeates a person’s life as he strives toward faithfulness.  Genuinely relying upon Almighty God is actually scary.  It is hard to sit still and observe the salvation of the Lord.  Equally, it is challenging to stand aside as the Lord instructs King Jehoshaphat and watch the Lord fight your battles.  Our rugged individualism coerces us to argue vociferously in our own defense.  Should words prove insufficient, it is natural to become combative and venomous.  Yet, Florence Scovel Shinn posits in her compelling book, The Game and Life and How to Play It, that spiritual maturity consists of willingness to trust Almighty God to bear your burdens and fight your battles.  Regardless of how easily a person recites these spiritual affirmations, remains very difficult to avoid feelings of trepidation about the unknown outcomes.

A persistent uneasiness about of future events, trepidation manifests in myriad ways.  Imagine angst consuming every waking minute as you anticipate an arbitration hearing.  Will the Lord defend your honor and protect you from your enemies?  At the hearing, will you resemble a goose in a courtroom filled with foxes?  Though you theoretically trust God to orchestrate outcomes toward your maximum benefit, you internally fight the temptation to manipulate the results.  You wonder whether you are wasting time and energy.  Does anyone owe you any favors?  Can they favorably influence the proceedings on your behalf?  Your deep desire for an end to living provisionally compels you to force an outcome.  Excited yet pensive and cautious as you genuinely and humbly rely upon Almighty God, you strive painstakingly to deaden the vociferous disquiet that overcomes your soul.  Whereas faith fills your heart, trepidation resounds within your mind.

Left unchecked, trepidation eventuates in mistakes.  Trusting Almighty God with an unwavering faith is the cure to trepidation in all its insidious iterations.  Wallowing in confusion and willfulness and a thousand forms of fear culminates in regrettable consequences.  Trepidation creates paralysis.  A decade ago, I realized that the persons with whom I worked and I were mismatched.  In the words of one of them, we were “force fitting things.”  On the third Thursday in August of that year, I knew beyond any doubt that I should resign my position to explore other professional and personal endeavors.  However, my trepidation about the monthly mortgage payment and other obligations prevented me from listening to my inner still small voice.  Enduringly, I wish I had possessed the faith to rely genuinely upon Almighty God to lead me to new opportunities.  Because of intractable trepidation, I made a costly mistake!

Veiled as adhering steadfastly to the will of God, my trepidation coerced me into staying another four and a half years.  In retrospect, I lament wasting one thousand, six hundred and forty days (1642) of my life.  Currently, I pursue educational and vocational goals that I could have accomplished sooner had I possessed requisite faith and trust in Almighty God.  My fears overshadowed my faith thereby empowering the worst attributes of a combative, assertive and intractable egotistical personality.  In the starkest irony, I fought to serve people who were incapable of appreciating and unwilling to receive my service.  Yet, my bravado at the time compelled me to fight against the hard reality that the persons with whom I worked and I operated with fundamentally divergent principles.  Had I been more humble and genuinely reliant upon Almighty God, I would have forsaken the trepidation I felt and trusted Him to open the door to the next phase of my life.

Often, character defects fuel trepidation.  Patterns of thought in a person’s consciousness and character create resistance to spiritual maturity and personal development.  I had a proverbial “chip on my shoulder.”  Easily, people offended me.  My ingrained sense of dignity emanating from my proud value system made me inflexible.  Regardless of any one’s intention, I heard and saw offense.  I immediately addressed it and demanded an apology.  Like a bull in a china shop, I confronted the perpetrator with the intent of eliminating any possibility that he would repeat his error.  My argumentative nature and righteous indignation combined to annihilate any reasonable explanations to the contrary.  Extending the benefit of the doubt did not occur to me as an alternative. 

As I reflect upon this experience, I regret my inability to see the blessings embedded in my vocational and existential crisis a decade ago.  I had an opportunity to learn finally how to trust in God in every situation.  Being self-reliant, I never imagined resigning a job without having another job.  Actually, I worked three times as hard to prevent any possibility of termination.  Still, the incongruity between my congregation and me afforded me a chance to cease investing a losing proposition.  Had I not found the wherewithal to trust God, I could still be there.  Regrettably, I did not also ask for willingness and courage to trust His will.  I could have avoided wasting irretrievable time and energy had I accepted God’s will and “staggered forward rejoicing” in obedience.  Though I repeated religious and sanctimonious rhetoric of leaning on the everlasting arms of God, I was too afraid to seek His next divine assignment.  Two of my most favorite Bible verses reassure me that God always seeks my best in every predicament: Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28.  The former verse insists God’s plans a bright, hopeful and rewarding future for each disciple.  The latter verse says God mysteriously and magnificently orchestrates every detail toward my good. 

The intervening years taught me to rely unconditionally upon Almighty God as He does not shift like sand or move like shadows.  His will is the safest place for me vocationally.  I cannot depend upon any human power for my security.  People will disappoint you.  God will never leave me or forsake me.  As I internalize these spiritual and biblical truths, I obtain willingness to trust God without conditions.  I relinquish my previous self-reliance emerging mostly from persistent trepidation.  As a child, I felt adults consistently failed and disappointed me.  As a consequence, I could not trust anyone.  That belief extended even to Almighty God to whom I only appealed for His sanction of my predetermined plans.  My refusal to trust Him meant I lingered in fear and trepidation for decades.