Is Your Shadow
Overpowering Your Personality? – Part Three
The
man, who stands in his shadow blocking his own light, benefits considerably in
examining his family of origins. His
destructive and self-sabotaging patterns began within this relational setting. Perhaps, he always heard the beat of a
different drummer and never marched in sync with his parents, siblings and
extended relatives. Conceivably, he paid
the price of very public and intractable humiliation for daring to be
different. His refusal to conform to the
opinions and mores of the family resulted in demeaning and dehumanizing
punishment. Under such harsh lashes, he
would bend his will and ego. Were he to
persist in proactively charting a different course, then he must receive the
death penalty of his will, dreams, ideals and goals.
Resilience
became a survival mechanism in addition to a personal asset. This man fought to preserve the integrity and
authenticity of his voice. He fought for
his positions despite his family’s ridicule.
He fought to be heard above the cacophony and simplicity of
conformity. “Why can’t you simply go
along to get along with everyone else? Who
really cares what you think?” Those
disrespectful and indifferent questions threatened his dignity and peace of
mind. As a consequence, this man
developed ingrained defense mechanisms to combat assaults on his mind and heart.
Regrettably,
once he left his family origins, he failed to discard his defensive manner of
dealing with people. Erroneously and
continuously, he sees his family of origins in each collective setting whether
work or social. His ignorance of this
tendency to see his parents and siblings in everyone he encounters equates with
his shadow which blocks his light of self-awareness. Thereby, he impedes his ability to cultivate
emotionally healthy relationships.
The
humiliation and disrespect he experienced was simply unfair and even cruel at
times. Unfortunately, this man’s parents
and siblings were unable to utilize his mistakes as teachable moments. Had they done so, this man may have avoided
becoming a “know-it-all.” He developed
that defense mechanism to protect himself against public humiliation. Consider the time he inadvertently left a
condom on the telephone table in the living room to be discovered by a
neighbor. She laughed upon her discovery
of the condom. Upon her departure, the
man was castigated mercilessly for embarrassing the family because of his ignorance. Ideally, the older and more knowledgeable
persons in the family would have taken the time to teach him. Instead, fearing the wholesale disrepute that
would befall the family; they humiliated him to prevent any repeat
occurrences. To avoid any further
embarrassment and public floggings, the man acquired the defense mechanism of
acting as if he knew everything.
The
man’s formative years undoubtedly created his self-sabotaging behavior. He learned to reject people before they had a
chance to reject him. As if he lived in
a fortress, he built walls of protection lest he be vulnerable to verbal
attacks and relational injuries.
Pointing out differences with people he met became a normal means of
ensuring no one else would inflict any pain upon him. Appearing to know everything became a means
of preventing humiliation in a group setting.
Internally, he longed for the affirmation his family of origins failed
to give. His intelligence, education,
talents and other personal assets became sophisticated defense mechanisms
resembling components of a war arsenal.
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