Stop Letting Off Smart Bombs

Stop Letting Off Smart Bombs

U S Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg shares the funny story of her wedding day when her mother comes into the dressing room to give her a final gift.  Instead of a strand of pearls or birthstone ring, Ginsburg’s mother gives her a pair of ear plugs.  Ginsburg’s mother advised her to drown out the extraneous noises of trifle arguments in her marriage and learn how to zip her lip.  Practically speaking, her mother counseled her to resist the temptation to let off “smart bombs.”  Justice Ginsburg attributes the love and longevity of her marriage to this simple yet significant bit of experiential wisdom.

For many years, I erroneously believed I was helping people by letting off “smart bombs” of hard, unvarnished truth.  Sparring words with colleagues in administrative meetings, I pointed out logical fallacies of their arguments and questionable inconsistencies between their principles and practices.  Mistakenly, I assumed they welcomed my frankness.  Actually, I was alienating everyone else in the room.  Persons who admired my ability and willingness to speak straightforwardly distanced themselves.  They would not be in the same vicinity when retaliatory verbiage and actions ensued.  Instead of fostering gratitude and goodwill, my “smart bombs” created people’s disdain.

Marital and familial relationships suffer greatly because one person perpetually lets off “smart bombs.”  “Honesty without compassion is brutality.”  This maxim improves direct communication and cultivates better relationships.  Do unsuspecting cousins really need to know about acts of betrayal that previously eluded their observation?  Is it helpful to compound someone’s pain with harsh truths that he or she is unable to accept?  Recently, a clergy colleague of mine learned a very hard lesson about setting off “smart bombs” in his family.  In late spring, he had a machine gun dialogue with a relative about her husband whom he really did not know.  In that conversation, he shared his brutal, unedited feelings about the guy and their marriage.  As fate would unfold, the man suddenly, unexpectedly and shockingly died of a fatal heart attack three months to the date of the conversation!  My colleague’s blitzkrieg of “smart bombs” which were intended to help, support and empower his loved one actually damaged their relationship.  His short-sighted intentions overlooked the genuine love that his relative and her husband shared.  My colleague hopes humbly the emotional, mental and relational damage, albeit colossal, is not irreversible.  He prays he and his relative will be able to salvage their relationship.

Wisdom, personified in the person of Sophia in ancient sacred and secular texts, teaches the importance of reason, balance and judgment in speech and writing.  Had my colleague listened humbly to his internal voice of wisdom, he would have realized that it was not necessary for him to share his frank assessment of someone else’s marriage and love.  Only the two people in the relationship can really know its worth.  Most regrettably, the crescendo of his ego and emotions drowned out Sophia’s voice.  Were his relative to agree with his perspective, he could not compel her to take his suggestions.  Justice Ginsburg’s mother’s advice would have prevented this formidable mistake.  My colleague simply should have zipped his lips and listen compassionately to his relative’s pain. 

In the idiom of African American Southern culture, my late beloved paternal grandmother advised, “You can’t say everything that comes to your lips.”  “Momma’s “sage advice endures as I continually learn restraint of tongue and pen.  Once I have said or written something, I cannot retrieve it; it does not matter if I offer a thousand apologies.  People rarely forget an insult.  They specifically remember offenses that were put in writing; those words hurt more because you can read them again and again.  By the grace and wisdom of Almighty God, I stop and think before speaking or writing.  I ask myself to draft the most respectful, effective and empowering way of saying anything.  When questioned once about my inability to inform a school administrator about a lingering problem my daughter had been having with another student, I replied, “If past practice were to prove instructive, I did not think it would be of any measurable effect.”  As soon as the words left the threshold of my lips, I wished I could snatch them back.  Were I to be able to reverse that exchange, I would have responded, “I chose to empower my daughter with relational skills to resolve her problems.”    The latter statement would have been more effective and helpful.  Eloquently and elaborately characterizing someone as useless is hurtful, period!  I did not need to alienate that administrator. 

I hope that foregoing examples of detonating “smart bombs” in business dealings, family relationships and parenting suffice to demonstrate just how worthless and ineffective this practice is.  If this character defect remains unexamined, eventually, you are unable to advance professionally or cultivate mutually respectful personal relationships.